I can not hold the faith for everyone in the world, but i hold faith for so many. It is like holding onto a bubble; you hope and pray that this bubble doesn't pop! I feel like if i move too much around in my life, the fragile bubble will pop. I feel as if i must keep this mental grasp on this faith bubble... but a very gentle grasp. I keep hoping that this bubble will turn more solid so that i can adjust my mental grasp. But it is still so fragile, it is still so un-movable in my mind. I fear that if i let go, even for a second, the bubbles will pop and all of my energy will go with them.
It is just an illusion built up in my mind on how i see my world around me. I hold bubbles for not only myself, but for several friends and family members. My mental concentration is such a struggle on some days that i keep building up that wall around me. I keep out so many people for fear of them coming inside this wall... they might accidentally pop one of my bubbles! If i lose concentration by a distraction for even a second... what will happen?
I've felt like this for over a year now. It is a feeling that i can't describe much better than the "bubble" feeling. I don't want to let go of my hope and my faith... but i'm starting to get so intwined with my many mental arms holding bubbles and this wall that is ever-growing around me... i'm feeling trapped. I made a choice recently to just drop 1 bubble. I let go of my volunteer work and quit the PTA. And i have to admit... letting go felt good! Dare i let go of another bubble? If so, which one do i choose? Which bubble is less important to who i am, or who i want to be?
These are my thoughts of today: Our house has come to the realization, we are not as secure as we were a year ago. The economy is making us re-evaluate every inch of everything that we do on every single day. We've cut out so much of our daily lives (Starbucks Frapp. i miss you so! lol) but we are still standing strong. I keep wondering how much more can we cut back in our daily lives and still be who we are in our daily lives. I've taken step after step to save, scrimp, save and remove all debt from our life. It seems to be helping, but recent changes in the economy have brought more "bad" news into our lives. I am now holding a very large bubble of hope and faith that we keep our current way of life!
We discussed moving last night. We use to talk about "one day when we are super rich... let's move somewhere fun!" And now we have the conversation of, "if things do not turn around and pick up... we will HAVE to move somewhere for work..." And now my personal bubbles feel heavy.... i am not sure i can handle the weight of much more in the bubble area. I hate to drop my faith and hope for anyone else that i am holding out my hope for... but today i am thinking that the weight of my own personal bubble needs more support than anyone else... but i just can't seem to let go.
So today, i am asking God to help me hold these bubbles... not just for myself but for all of the other people i am hoping and praying for each and every day.