Monday, April 6, 2009

One side optimism

A beautiful horse on the field trip yesterdayI am a very optimistic person. I tend to see good in all people, until they give me a reason to see their true colors. I tend to let most things slide and return to seeing the good in people. But there are some times when someone continues on a path of being something that i dislike, it is times like these when my optimism falls short of perfect.  I will only see one side of the optimistic coin and start to take a negative stand on how i see them.  When i get to this point, it becomes hard for me to flip the coin over and see them in a good way again.

We are moving. We ARE moving. That being said, i am growing tired of people asking me, "why are you moving... can't you stay here and find work?" The cold hard truth is that there is nothing here for me.... for any of us.  Michael has been unable to find work in his field.  I have never made this town my "home". Claire will be upset about the move but she is a child and will soon move into her new life with just as much love and hope as she does with everything else in her life.  

I have made a few friends in this town, but there is no one i would call upon to hang out with me on a Friday night.  There is no one that i have a mutual relationship with.  I have friends that i enjoy, but they are busy and i see them... well never.  I have friends that we only have our kids in common, but beyond that i do not see us as long term friends.  I have work friends and people i can call on to ask a silly question to get a quick answer about where to find something in this town.  But true friends, a person i would call on in the hardest of times and lean on, a shoulder to cry on... i never found that in anyone here.

My parents live an hour away. They do not come over here to see us, ever! If we want to see them, we have to go over there.  The sad truth is that we will probably see my parents more when we move because they will fly out for weeks at a time to visit.  Here, they just sit in their house and don't really socialize with us when we come over.  I can't count how many times my mom sits and talks on her phone while we are there.  (Gossip among teachers, someone one day will have to explain this phenomenon to me!) But is that enough reason to stay here in the mid-west... family who we never really see even though they are so close? For me this is not a strong enough reason for use to live here, where we do not want to live anymore.

So i find this move being something that only we are happy and excited about.  Everyone has been giving us a hard time and i am starting to see the true colors of many people.  I am even finding that random people who hardly know us are more excited for us than people we actually know and are suppose to be our "good" friends.  It is strange, i felt more comfortable telling my favorite Starbucks Barista about our moving issues than some of these people who were once known as friends.  I will honestly miss Karen, she has been giving me my Starbucks for so many years... she has seen Claire grow up and it will be strange to walk into a new starbucks and be treated like just another customer!

Today i sit here, 14 days before we have to be out of our house, in a mini-panic about our living arrangements for the next 49 days... and wondering where all of my true friends went? Did us choosing to better our life and make this move change who we were, or did it change who they were, or did it just change who they were in my mind?  I would love to have someone to lean on for support, but me being a private person on many things in my life i tend to not be trusting of new people.... and the people that i thought i knew are no longer people i want to turn to or lean on for support.

Maybe this is for the best... make a total clean break from all of the things we are leaving behind.  Start fresh in California and make new friends... keeping the old in memory and maybe online on facebook...

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