Sunday, September 13, 2009

things which are missing

i often think about and talk about the things i miss from back home. a person, an item, a place, a scent, a feeling, or even a way of life. the end of september is getting closer and closer. most people probably let the end of september come and go without much thought to it bringing on so much stuff in their life. For me September means so many things. The end of summer, the beginning of my favorite time - fall, The Feast, changing leaves, taking Claire on Pumpkin patch visits with my mom, apple orchards, the smells of fireplaces starting up as the air gets colder, the air getting colder and having that first hint of snow mixed inside of the breeze, carving pumkins, painting pumpkins, cooking pumkin seeds, the taste of pumkin pie (i'm going to totally miss that this year with the new allergy to cinnamon!), and my list could go on and on and on.

The months end will be here before we know it. And with it brings on another choice of WHAT do we do? We aren't quite ready to pack it all up and move back just because we miss a few things. They will always be there for when we do go back. But we are not financially able to continue on this path without jobs. i've had no luck. Michael has had no luck. we are almost to the point of living in the streets. this fact scares me to the core.

Michael quite literally lucked into taking a class for FREE (the kind people pay $2,000 a class for!). We are hoping that this will help in landing him a job once he passes the test that goes along with the course. The sad, scary, news is that everyone (but 2) in his class are unemployed. One guy (who is employed) mentioned that his company put up a job on Monster last week and they had over 300 people apply already. It was a low paying position that was only going to last for 3 months and they had CEO's and Presidents of former companies applying. It doesn't seem like it at times, but it truly is just that bad out there when you really need a job.

If we moved home next week, we would not have enough money to pay a down deposit to even rent a place. If we stay here and still are unable to find work, the money will only last until the end of October. In that case, we have no money to move back home with... and we can not even pay the breaking the lease fee. Quite literally we would be out on our butts.

The cold hard facts panic me, but then i think of how there are people who are already on the streets. i at least still have a short time before i am in that position. i pray for those who couldn't make it work, and i pray that we do not end up in that same situation. i think about people who have been seeing harder times for longer than we have and i pray that they find a way out too.

sometimes the panic turns to anger which quickly turns to tears because i feel guilty for feeling like i feel. i'm not alone so i feel bad for thinking of only how we are dealing with all of this. the husband keeps saying "charity starts at home..." and reminds me when i give $1.00 to the ladies sitting outside the stores collecting money... but i can't help myself. i know, i'm a sucker! but even if i were laying in a gutter, i would still give someone else my last penny. but alas, i am almost in this imaginary gutter... so perhaps he is right, maybe i should stop being so giving and protect what is mine? i still like to think i am right ;-)

on a much brighter note, it is raining outside! i have not seen the rain since July. You do not realize that you truly can miss something so much until you no longer have it in your life. Claire and i ran downstairs, and i'm sure looked like total idiots to the neighbors, but we danced in the rain for a bit. it's times like that, i truly just miss home.

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