Sunday, October 18, 2009

magical places become routine.

i found this image the other day. At first i didn't think much about it and then i came across it again and then again. each time i glanced at the sentence and i thought about it slightly... i didn't want to read it and think about it because i knew exactly what it was saying.

i use to stay up late and get up early. i did not require too much sleep. i still lay in bed just glaring into the dark room each night. i wake up early but i do not get up. sometimes i am sleeping and sometimes i am just laying there with my eyes closed thinking.

i have never been afraid of life or afraid to live the life in front of me. but there is something about this place that i find distracting and almost discouraging. i WANT to get out there and live it up! but everywhere you go there are masses of people... complete strangers. it doesn't matter what time of the day, it is busy all of the time, everywhere that you go. i am not afraid of a person, but i do fear the unknown of the masses. 1 person, i can feel out the situation and deem the person as safe/unsafe to be around for too long. Sure you never fully know, but i've learned to go with my gut feelings. But when you go to a simple place like a park and there are hundreds of strangers all around you... most are not even speaking my language when i pass by them... this feeling becomes overwhelming at best. i am not one to panic and run away and hide... but i have found myself wanting to go out alone less and less.

i have noticed that do not want to go out unless everyone is with me. i think this is because when i am left alone i tend to attract people, strangers, who want to come up and talk to me. it keeps happening to me and my comfort zone has went from OK to not OK pretty quickly. Since i have less of a desire to go out, i have become bored with the inside of this apartment and the things that i do on a daily basis. Baking a cake doesn't seem like enough. Painting doesn't seem like enough. Photography doesn't seem like enough. so i have noticed that i tend to go to bed earlier than i use to and i want to stay in bed longer than i use to.

there is a deep desire inside of me to move back home. is having the things that we have here in Cali really worth it if you do not experience them? does just the fact that they are out there enough to be happy? i have no easy answers for my feelings today. i only know this; everything is magical until it becomes routine.

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