Thursday, October 22, 2009

what you don't say can say it all...

There are times when i think that i talk too much. i admit, i have been known to hog the conversation! But there are those rare times when i just have nothing to say to a person. Not out of spite or anger, but out of running out of things i feel that need to be said to a particular person. More and more recently i am feeling this way towards more and more people. It isn't that i do not want to talk to people, i just feel like i have nothing i want to say to them. I seem to have become more guarded in my life and the things that are going on in it. I feel like people will judge everything i say and not just let me talk for the sake of talking about how life is effecting me at the moment. Sometimes things are better just kept to yourself and not shared for the sake of sharing to vent or think out loud.

There are also times when something has been said and needs to be addressed. These are the times i hate the most. You know you've crossed a line or said something that maybe should have just been kept to yourself. Do you speak up to clear the air? do you wait for the other person to speak up? Do you just sweep it under the rug and move on? Do you say screw it and walk away completely from the person and the situation? So many times i take the higher road and i am the one to go to the person, break the tension, say i am sorry - even if it wasn't my fault. There have only been a few times in my life where i felt like nothing good could come from a conversation and i walked away never to look back. Sometimes you just have to do that though for the sake of keeping your own wits about you.

There are times when i need to say thank you in a bigger way, but i can't seem to find a good enough way to say it and then the opportunity passes... and keeps passing me by. i look back and realized that i never said a proper thank you for something. Be it a gift, a condolence, a dinner being purchased, or other. sometimes saying "thank you" doesn't quite seem enough.

i have noticed my silence becoming more random recently. i've been trying to give up my use of twitter... and in doing so i have only been posting music and craft tips and random things here and there. i was just looking at my recent tweets - they look like that of a crazy person because there is no rhyme or reason to anything i am saying! But then again, twitter is pure chaos in a pretty package!

but i do not think people need to hear for the 100th time that i still have no job. i do not think that people care to see a million more photos on Facebook of our life out here. i do not think there is much to say to people who are essentially complete strangers to me in my life. Those who i once considered close have mostly drifted away over the last few years. i've been keeping more to myself and my family and sharing less with those who i did consider close to begin with... and now the sharing seems, well... quite lame and almost strange at times. They call it "social media" because you are to use these tools to socialize with people you know or want to know or have something in common with. At the moment, i don't feel like i have much in common with a whole lot of people! i feel rather isolated way over here in California.

On a good day i am lucky to not feel like crying when i go to bed... but that isn't something people care to really know. People enjoy the happy. They want to see pretty flowers, beaches, and wonderful things... and less reading about the emotions of that which is real life. And i do not blame people for wanting less crap to deal with. Who needs another friend with problems? who wants to take on caring about someone other than themselves? Who has time to be a real friend these days... you know the kind who is willing to set aside actual time to notice and care. We're all guilty of it... we all have friends who have too much going on in their life so we back away slowly so we do not have to deal with their stuff along with our own stuff. The measure of a true friend is the person who sticks around through the good and the bad times.

i have yet to meet one of those yet in my life. maybe one day. but for now i will stick with my wonderful family here for support and love. after all, i do love my kid the most of all!

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