accepting life, unconditionally

"I decided, very early on, just to accept life unconditionally; I never expected it to do anything special for me, yet I seemed to accomplish far more than I had ever hoped. Most of the time it just happened to me without my ever seeking it."

Audrey Hepburn

magical places become routine.

i found this image the other day. At first i didn't think much about it and then i came across it again and then again. each time i glanced at the sentence and i thought about it slightly... i didn't want to read it and think about it because i knew exactly what it was saying.

i use to stay up late and get up early. i did not require too much sleep. i still lay in bed just glaring into the dark room each night. i wake up early but i do not get up. sometimes i am sleeping and sometimes i am just laying there with my eyes closed thinking.

i have never been afraid of life or afraid to live the life in front of me. but there is something about this place that i find distracting and almost discouraging. i WANT to get out there and live it up! but everywhere you go there are masses of people... complete strangers. it doesn't matter what time of the day, it is busy all of the time, everywhere that you go. i am not afraid of a person, but i do fear the unknown of the masses. 1 person, i can feel out the situation and deem the person as safe/unsafe to be around for too long. Sure you never fully know, but i've learned to go with my gut feelings. But when you go to a simple place like a park and there are hundreds of strangers all around you... most are not even speaking my language when i pass by them... this feeling becomes overwhelming at best. i am not one to panic and run away and hide... but i have found myself wanting to go out alone less and less.

i have noticed that do not want to go out unless everyone is with me. i think this is because when i am left alone i tend to attract people, strangers, who want to come up and talk to me. it keeps happening to me and my comfort zone has went from OK to not OK pretty quickly. Since i have less of a desire to go out, i have become bored with the inside of this apartment and the things that i do on a daily basis. Baking a cake doesn't seem like enough. Painting doesn't seem like enough. Photography doesn't seem like enough. so i have noticed that i tend to go to bed earlier than i use to and i want to stay in bed longer than i use to.

there is a deep desire inside of me to move back home. is having the things that we have here in Cali really worth it if you do not experience them? does just the fact that they are out there enough to be happy? i have no easy answers for my feelings today. i only know this; everything is magical until it becomes routine.

following.

Thorns

recently i have grown to feel much like this image. i feel as if i need to protect myself from those who wish to steal the beauty in which i hold dear to me. Not only metaphorically speaking, but truly. i have put myself out there for those who i trusted... i have been burned more times than i wish to count. so today i woke up at 6am and laid there pondering why?

i have a quote on my sticky notes wall "if it doesn't make you happy, then why are you doing it? Who are you doing it for?" i have no idea where i saw the quote because i didn't write that part down (if it was said by you, tell me and i will give you credit).

but this made me think about all of my "social networking" sites that i visit and take part in. does it make me any happier to put up a status update? no. does it make me any happier to see a new person following me on twitter? no. does it make me happier if people i do not know follow my blog? no.

So if not, then why?

i pulled myself out of bed and took a look at my twitter followers. over 300 people. i went through the list, one by one. There were people selling porn - deleted! there were people selling things i didn't want to buy - deleted. there were people who said creepy things and/or looked creepy - deleted! there were bots (look it up if you don't know) - deleted. there were people who were following ONLY me (creepy!!!) - deleted! there were people that just looked like they were up to no good - deleted.

i could go on, but i deleted over 100 people that i didn't want to have follow my every move online. i also recently had been thinking about the kids i grew up with and how i am their friend on FB. i have not seen or heard from many of these people since i was a young child. Good to connect, sure. But i do not honestly know these people. Do i really want them seeing my status updates? Do i want them knowing that i am having a difficult time right now? Do i want them seeing all of the photos i take of my family? Complete strangers knowing my every life move... all because i happened to know them when i was a young child?

We protect what we love. We shelter it, we give it love and we teach ourselves to be cautious of those around us at all times. How do you protect yourself from something you can not see? Do you know how many times a stranger has looked at your photos? Do you set your photos up on FB to be seen ONLY by those you are friends with, friends of friends, or everyone? Do you honestly know all of your friends- friends and trust that they are not scary people who might wish to harm you or your family?

Yesterday i took Claire all alone, just me, to the Farmers Market two towns over. i gave her the "remember to stick with me" speech to which i got a sassy response of "i'm 10... i know!" So that put me into major mom mode and a lecture about the "stranger danger" ensued.

Here, we are all alone. Here, i have no one to call upon if i get into danger or trouble. Here, we are surrounded by hundreds of strangers whenever we go anywhere. Not 1 familiar face in the crowd.

So how do you get to that point of... enough? My life is MY life and not to be shared with the entire world?

i share because i want those that i care about to keep up with us while we are living 3,000 miles away.
i share because i want to not be closed off from the world.
i share because i enjoy sharing.

but i think there is a limit to which we share and who we share with.

a true classic, IMHO.

Hands Across the Table, 1935

i love this movie. somewhere in a box, waiting to be unpacked, i own this movie on VHS. (if you ever find a copy on DVD, snag it for me will ya?)

Classic girl meats boy, falls in love with boy... but boy is poor and jobless. i kind of feel like i should unpack this movie and watch it. i recall many late night study sessions in college watching AMC (back when they actually use to play classic's - you know, really great OLD black and white movies!) this movie came on AMC about once a month and i found an old copy on VHS one year... it was a present to myself for all of my hard work. Although i can not recall what the hard work was that deserved a movie, but it must have been something special because i truly love this movie.

a couple of quotes from the movie that i love;

Regi: You must have a lot of friends that could give you a job.
Ted Drew: That'd be a fine friend who'd give you a job. No friend of mine had better try anything like that on me.
---
Regi: Do you dream?
Ted Drew: No.
Regi: You should - you'd meet a better class of people
---
Laura: Yeah, and maybe here's that ten million dollars you've been dreaming about.
Regi: The way I feel today, I'd settle for a million.

Carole Lombard had this way about presenting herself on screen. i wish i had half of that talent to present myself really well.

they do not make movies like this anymore. i love old classic movies. life seemed so much more simple back then. sure it was hard. but life is hard no matter what time zone or time period you are living in. a time when a person could get a job at the newspaper without having 10 degrees to back up their working knowledge of how the paper worked. a time when you could let your kid play in the street without fear of being snatched by someone. a time when you knew your neighbors and they knew you and you could depend on them for even something as small as a cup of sugar. times aren't how they use to be in the movies that i love watching. life flies by at a million 140 character twitter updates per second. if you blink you just missed a million people updating their status online and a world of knowledge that you probably didn't even need to know about complete strangers.

speaking of, i'm giving up my twitter for 1 week (or longer if i can stand it). its going to be a rough week. i lived for years without twitter and needing to know that someone that is a complete stranger to me is brushing their teeth while they pee. yeah, twitter has some odd updates. i'll miss @badbanana and @sween and the comical side of twitter that sometimes made me laugh just when i needed it. but right now i have some hard choices to make in my life and i need less distractions keeping me from staying focused. you will be missed my good friend twitter.

ok, i'm off to be the choice maker of the family!

watcha needing?

In a magical place, in a far off land...

there is a place that has toys that are grand.

They fly on their own and speak just to you,

Won't you come along with me too?

"I don't care how....

i WANT it NOOOOOOOOW!" 

- Veruca Salt

Yep, that's more like it!  Kids want their toys and they want them now!  They do not care about the imagination of playing.  They play for a moment, and then they move on to the next new toy.  And i'm sorry, but it is the parents fault, and the parents fault alone.

We go to the store about twice a week.  Claire on a rare occasion will want to go to the video game isle to see what is new out there.  But the toy isle? nope.  When she was a baby we purchased all of her favorite toys.  If she like Toy Story, she owned every toy story character we could find.  If she liked my little ponies, our floors were covered in MLP.  You get the idea.  About 2 years ago it hit me... just like adults, if a child likes something it doesn't mean they have to own it all.  I like Converse shoes, but i only own 1 pair.  I have obsessions just like anyone and when i like something i want to buy it. That doesn't mean that i do buy it.

Me, i need a good night sleep.

i need an answer.

i need a vacation.

i need clothes for working for only 1 month.

randoms

1. Our outside cat has been "missing" since Monday.  It rained. It stormed. She went somewhere?

2. Amish people appear to always be out when we eat out, we see funny things. Yesterday there was an Amish lady on a cell phone, yelling in the middle of the restaurant, and she was wearing Converse Chuck high top shoes with a dress that only went just below her knee.

3. People who can't take "no" for an answer.  I've said "no" 4 seperate times for the same request this week. I finally just stopped answering the question.

4. When people you want to help totally "blow you off". I really do not like this.

5. I'm learning so much this week.

***

Me: i don't want to live with my parents, even for just a few weeks before we move.

Michael: it's a pride thing...

Me: yeah, i suppose it is.

Michael: you know what they say about "pride"...

Me: no.  what do they say about pride?

Michael: it's...bad.

Me: *laughing*

it's one of those, you had to be there.  But he had no "saying" for Pride other than "it's bad".

GERMS!

Ok, i can't see myself pulling a "Michael Jackson" and wearing a surgical mask around everywhere.  But i sometimes wonder how people go through life being so disgusting.  I am not an extremist germaphobe, but i do wash my hands before i eat.  If someone is sick, i would prefer to not sit around chatting with them.  Stay home, feel better.... call me when you aren't coughing all over my food/drink.  ;-)  I have had a sick child for almost a month now, she just wants to hang all over me and keeps coughing in my face.  I have to let her hang on me because she is my child and i love her... but strangers or even friends, how do you nicely say "take your germs elsewhere"?

***

Hubby jokinly explained the issue of "spreading the wealth" today during breakfast.

Me: what are you doing?

Michael: I'm squishing the blueberries around so when i take bites it is spread around...

Me: uh, ok...

Michael: you've gotta spread that wealth...

Me: what are we Obama now?

Michael: i'm just trying to explain the oatmeal situation here...

Me: *drops blueberry into his bowl*

Michael: now look what you did...

Me: what?

Michael: you've added another huge blueberry to the mix

Me: *drops a spoonfull of oatmeal into his bowl*

Michael: ya killin' me here.... how's this one big blueberry suppose to pay for all of that extra oatmeal now?  Gotta spread that wealth, but not too much.

haha

**

stupid stray cat got into our garage... and peeeeeeed, everywhere!  But where? yuck... the house is starting to smell like cat pee.  That's the last time i feel sorry for a stray cat. ugh! i hate the smell of cat pee.

*

What in the world.... yes, our world.  I'm starting to wonder about people.  Just the ordinary average people. I look around at how people are living their lives. Probably out of my own boredom, but i honestly do care.  For the most part, people are going on about their daily lives while other people are suffering in this down economy and just this spiraling down life-style on our planet.  They are not paying attention to the world around them. It only takes 1 act of kindness to make a difference in another persons life.  What act are you going to do today?

another day.

"She held her grief behind her eyes like an ocean & when she leaned forward into the day it spilled onto the floor & she wiped at it quickly with her foot & pretended no one had seen."

~ Storypeople.com

Spiralling.

Spiralling
I'm waiting
For my moment to come
I'm waiting
For the movie to begin
I'm waiting
For a revelation
I'm waiting for someone
To count me in
-Spiraling, Keane