you horn honker!

Are you a horn honker? Do you know what a horn honker is? Please let me inform you of a horn honker...

horn honker /n/ : 1. a person who locks their car door from more than 30 feet away by using the key FOB until the horn honks. 2. a person who "double clicks" the key FOB to lock their car doors so they get a "double honk" lockdown. 3. a person who locks their car door with the key FOB until the horn honks - walks away and does it again, and again, to make sure it really did lock, thus giving them the triple or quadruple honk lockdown. 4. a person who is clumsy with their key FOB and isn't sure what the buttons do, so somehow manages to set off the car alarm several times before the car doors actually lock.

Having never lived inside of a "city" area before moving to California, i never truly experienced the annoyance that comes with car owners. Our new apartment is located within very close walking distance of a shopping "plaza", a hotel, and a parking garage. Even if our windows are closed, you hear the honking of car horns as the masses all lock up their car doors. if the windows are open, it is almost like listening to an off beat musical melody during the lunch hour rush. It isn't so much annoying as it is unnecessary to add this sound to the world around you.

You see, when you exit your car, you can push a button to lock your car doors. This is my current method of door locking, and i assure you, it works quite nicely. You can also use the key FOB while standing in close proximity to the car and "hear" the actual locking of your doors. There truly is no reason to HONK the horn when locking up your car doors.

So please, i implore you to think before you honk! ;-)

what you don't say can say it all...

There are times when i think that i talk too much. i admit, i have been known to hog the conversation! But there are those rare times when i just have nothing to say to a person. Not out of spite or anger, but out of running out of things i feel that need to be said to a particular person. More and more recently i am feeling this way towards more and more people. It isn't that i do not want to talk to people, i just feel like i have nothing i want to say to them. I seem to have become more guarded in my life and the things that are going on in it. I feel like people will judge everything i say and not just let me talk for the sake of talking about how life is effecting me at the moment. Sometimes things are better just kept to yourself and not shared for the sake of sharing to vent or think out loud.

There are also times when something has been said and needs to be addressed. These are the times i hate the most. You know you've crossed a line or said something that maybe should have just been kept to yourself. Do you speak up to clear the air? do you wait for the other person to speak up? Do you just sweep it under the rug and move on? Do you say screw it and walk away completely from the person and the situation? So many times i take the higher road and i am the one to go to the person, break the tension, say i am sorry - even if it wasn't my fault. There have only been a few times in my life where i felt like nothing good could come from a conversation and i walked away never to look back. Sometimes you just have to do that though for the sake of keeping your own wits about you.

There are times when i need to say thank you in a bigger way, but i can't seem to find a good enough way to say it and then the opportunity passes... and keeps passing me by. i look back and realized that i never said a proper thank you for something. Be it a gift, a condolence, a dinner being purchased, or other. sometimes saying "thank you" doesn't quite seem enough.

i have noticed my silence becoming more random recently. i've been trying to give up my use of twitter... and in doing so i have only been posting music and craft tips and random things here and there. i was just looking at my recent tweets - they look like that of a crazy person because there is no rhyme or reason to anything i am saying! But then again, twitter is pure chaos in a pretty package!

but i do not think people need to hear for the 100th time that i still have no job. i do not think that people care to see a million more photos on Facebook of our life out here. i do not think there is much to say to people who are essentially complete strangers to me in my life. Those who i once considered close have mostly drifted away over the last few years. i've been keeping more to myself and my family and sharing less with those who i did consider close to begin with... and now the sharing seems, well... quite lame and almost strange at times. They call it "social media" because you are to use these tools to socialize with people you know or want to know or have something in common with. At the moment, i don't feel like i have much in common with a whole lot of people! i feel rather isolated way over here in California.

On a good day i am lucky to not feel like crying when i go to bed... but that isn't something people care to really know. People enjoy the happy. They want to see pretty flowers, beaches, and wonderful things... and less reading about the emotions of that which is real life. And i do not blame people for wanting less crap to deal with. Who needs another friend with problems? who wants to take on caring about someone other than themselves? Who has time to be a real friend these days... you know the kind who is willing to set aside actual time to notice and care. We're all guilty of it... we all have friends who have too much going on in their life so we back away slowly so we do not have to deal with their stuff along with our own stuff. The measure of a true friend is the person who sticks around through the good and the bad times.

i have yet to meet one of those yet in my life. maybe one day. but for now i will stick with my wonderful family here for support and love. after all, i do love my kid the most of all!

magical places become routine.

i found this image the other day. At first i didn't think much about it and then i came across it again and then again. each time i glanced at the sentence and i thought about it slightly... i didn't want to read it and think about it because i knew exactly what it was saying.

i use to stay up late and get up early. i did not require too much sleep. i still lay in bed just glaring into the dark room each night. i wake up early but i do not get up. sometimes i am sleeping and sometimes i am just laying there with my eyes closed thinking.

i have never been afraid of life or afraid to live the life in front of me. but there is something about this place that i find distracting and almost discouraging. i WANT to get out there and live it up! but everywhere you go there are masses of people... complete strangers. it doesn't matter what time of the day, it is busy all of the time, everywhere that you go. i am not afraid of a person, but i do fear the unknown of the masses. 1 person, i can feel out the situation and deem the person as safe/unsafe to be around for too long. Sure you never fully know, but i've learned to go with my gut feelings. But when you go to a simple place like a park and there are hundreds of strangers all around you... most are not even speaking my language when i pass by them... this feeling becomes overwhelming at best. i am not one to panic and run away and hide... but i have found myself wanting to go out alone less and less.

i have noticed that do not want to go out unless everyone is with me. i think this is because when i am left alone i tend to attract people, strangers, who want to come up and talk to me. it keeps happening to me and my comfort zone has went from OK to not OK pretty quickly. Since i have less of a desire to go out, i have become bored with the inside of this apartment and the things that i do on a daily basis. Baking a cake doesn't seem like enough. Painting doesn't seem like enough. Photography doesn't seem like enough. so i have noticed that i tend to go to bed earlier than i use to and i want to stay in bed longer than i use to.

there is a deep desire inside of me to move back home. is having the things that we have here in Cali really worth it if you do not experience them? does just the fact that they are out there enough to be happy? i have no easy answers for my feelings today. i only know this; everything is magical until it becomes routine.

beauty is skin deep or photoshop can help create it!

i realize i have already covered this subject recently, but when i saw this video i couldn't resist posting it! every girl (and guys for that matter) should see this video and see what the end photo looks like vs. the ordinary girl at the beginning.

i have so many people in my life that i think are beautiful on the outside but fall short of being a beautiful person because of the way they treat people. imagine if we wore our inner beauty on the outside for all to see. Confidence is a big start in that beauty being seen. Some of the nicest, most beautiful people i know are far from ugly (but aren't super models either)... but i almost did not know them because they were shy and didn't even try to put themselves out there. They seemed awkward and i almost didn't even notice them because they looked just average on the surface. Once i got to know them i realized that they were amazing! Sometimes we only see what is there for us to see, which is a major fault of human nature.

i've noticed Claire paying more attention to magazines and what people look like. i have always been open with her about my working in photoshop for a career (which i am happily no longer doing!). She has seen the original photos and then what happens with each stage and the end product. i've had clients who were losing their hair and i added hair to make them look like they were not going bald. i've had clients request that they have no wrinkles on their CD covers, so i edit them out. i've had clients with a pimple or a missed stubble hair during their morning shave, each item was edited out until the final image looked like a perfect person. So for me it is easy to show her and tell her that people in magazines are not always what they appear to be. She gets it, but i think deep down she still wonders if she measures up... or if she would need some major tweaking if she was a model. (which is a dream career for her, sadly i can't convince her otherwise!)

i wish there wasn't a beauty ruler in life... but we are all seen on levels of attraction. Be it what we see on the outside, or what we show from our insides. If you are an ugly person on the outside, you can still shine and become beautiful with how you treat people. But if you are beautiful on the outside and take that opportunity to manipulate people and use people for what you want... it makes you just as "ugly" as the person with flaws on the outside. One day people will wake up and realize who/what you are if you are a mean person... despite how you look on the outside.

to quote someone's blog i recently had the honor of reading...
"Many times we don't give people a chance
simply because their outer appearance doesn't fancy us
or the first impression wasn't "lovely"
or we just don't like "their type".
Understandable...because that's our human nature.
But as Christians God persuades us to have control
over our nature. Because if we let it dominate
in our life we will quickly find ourselves
headed in a downward direction."

so today i am setting a goal to do my best never to judge on a first impression again.

following.

Thorns

recently i have grown to feel much like this image. i feel as if i need to protect myself from those who wish to steal the beauty in which i hold dear to me. Not only metaphorically speaking, but truly. i have put myself out there for those who i trusted... i have been burned more times than i wish to count. so today i woke up at 6am and laid there pondering why?

i have a quote on my sticky notes wall "if it doesn't make you happy, then why are you doing it? Who are you doing it for?" i have no idea where i saw the quote because i didn't write that part down (if it was said by you, tell me and i will give you credit).

but this made me think about all of my "social networking" sites that i visit and take part in. does it make me any happier to put up a status update? no. does it make me any happier to see a new person following me on twitter? no. does it make me happier if people i do not know follow my blog? no.

So if not, then why?

i pulled myself out of bed and took a look at my twitter followers. over 300 people. i went through the list, one by one. There were people selling porn - deleted! there were people selling things i didn't want to buy - deleted. there were people who said creepy things and/or looked creepy - deleted! there were bots (look it up if you don't know) - deleted. there were people who were following ONLY me (creepy!!!) - deleted! there were people that just looked like they were up to no good - deleted.

i could go on, but i deleted over 100 people that i didn't want to have follow my every move online. i also recently had been thinking about the kids i grew up with and how i am their friend on FB. i have not seen or heard from many of these people since i was a young child. Good to connect, sure. But i do not honestly know these people. Do i really want them seeing my status updates? Do i want them knowing that i am having a difficult time right now? Do i want them seeing all of the photos i take of my family? Complete strangers knowing my every life move... all because i happened to know them when i was a young child?

We protect what we love. We shelter it, we give it love and we teach ourselves to be cautious of those around us at all times. How do you protect yourself from something you can not see? Do you know how many times a stranger has looked at your photos? Do you set your photos up on FB to be seen ONLY by those you are friends with, friends of friends, or everyone? Do you honestly know all of your friends- friends and trust that they are not scary people who might wish to harm you or your family?

Yesterday i took Claire all alone, just me, to the Farmers Market two towns over. i gave her the "remember to stick with me" speech to which i got a sassy response of "i'm 10... i know!" So that put me into major mom mode and a lecture about the "stranger danger" ensued.

Here, we are all alone. Here, i have no one to call upon if i get into danger or trouble. Here, we are surrounded by hundreds of strangers whenever we go anywhere. Not 1 familiar face in the crowd.

So how do you get to that point of... enough? My life is MY life and not to be shared with the entire world?

i share because i want those that i care about to keep up with us while we are living 3,000 miles away.
i share because i want to not be closed off from the world.
i share because i enjoy sharing.

but i think there is a limit to which we share and who we share with.

perception.

be free

a mountain from a distance appears big and beautiful and majestic.
a mountain while you are standing in the middle of it, seems like plain rocks and being in the middle of nowhere too special.
a mountain from the top peak, seems like you are on top of the world and the view is breath taking.

a Monet painting from far away looks amazing.
a Monet painting from right on top of it looks like a mess of colors!

from the distance of living in the mid-west, California also looked like this amazing dream land of where all dreams come true.
close up, it is just life. same as the mid-west, only a different zip code and the weather is much nicer in the winter.

sometimes my perception of life, and most often of people, is a bit out of focus. I often times think very highly of people who i shouldn't. and i think nothing of people who i should be thinking an awful lot more of. it is strange how there are times when even the tiniest little thing can change the way we perceive things. my perception of many people has changed in the last 6 months. some for the better, some for the worst. i wish i could go back to my thinking of some people before i lost all hope and desire to even know them in my life... but often times you just can't go back. It isn't a forgiveness issue or that they have done something so drastic to make you hate them... more often it is just because of a change in perception. sometimes you just change who you are so your views on issues change so your previous views do not line up anymore to be part of their life.

i probably stopped making sense 2 sentences ago. point is, we grow... we change... we move on. i think its time i moved on from many things/people that i use to admire in some small way. and i think it is time i give other people the attention that they deserve.

perception is a very funny thing.

dreams.

most of the time you're just looking for something magical in your dreams...

Dreams are funny things. You dream about people you don't know, may never know, currently know, or that you might have known in the past. People bring out different emotions in us... And when you dream about them... the next day, you can't shake that feeling of how they made you feel. Be if real, be it dream; be it good or bad. Your mind can not help but feel what it feels, and so you are stuck with these left over emotions from a dream to deal with all day long. Although, I do not mind the good ones!

who's your cheering team?

i friend recently said to me, "... I do think sometimes you have the wrong impression of me and what my life is like, like i am this cheerleader with a crew or like the leader of the Pink ladies."

it's funny because i see everyone as cooler than me! you could be the biggest dork and i still will think you are cooler than me. i do not self-promote myself. i am positive about who i am and what i do. but i never think i am great... always room for improvement. i often compliment and pump up those around me. not only because they deserve it but because i think everyone is pretty darn cool... except for me. lol its hard to put into words. i've always been this way. i am not depressive or down on myself... but i refuse to see myself for anything but what is there on the surface. just average, ordinary, me.

i do not have a posse (wow, yes i just said posse!). i do not have a strong backing of support behind me on any given day. my biggest fan is my 10 year old daughter; and i'm lucky if she understands half of what i am saying each day in my adult world. most often i am complaining about how much i hate CSS code or some goof on twitter being stupid or something on the news that is frustrating me. i do not expect a cheering team in my life. sometimes i do wish hubby was more of the "go team go" kind of guy, but its like that saying - you can't teach an old dog new tricks - yep, you can't really teach a hubby of 14 years how to be different either. as for the family, i gave up on having them in my corner years ago! i'm lucky if they don't put me down in any given conversation. So i am my own pink ladies group, except its the "blue ladies" because i can't stand pink! lol and since i refuse to pat my own back, there isn't much of a moral boosting session going on except on paper from time to time. yes, i'm lame. i write "i *heart* you" on paper just so i know that i love myself sometimes. hey, someone's gotta pump me up while i'm writing! ;-)

just so you know... i support all of YOU! whatever you think you can do, i know you can do it and i am always here for all of you!

choices that are worth more.

if we had not moved, Claire would be starting 5th grade back in the mid-west with all of her friends. She is currently still in bed and i do not want to wake her up. I know it is going to be a long and sad day for her today. It had not really hit her or effected her that we moved far away from her known world. She spoke daily, and for hours and hours at a time on the phone with her friends back home. Today will be the first true test of her not being able to reach out to her friends whenever she feels like it throughout the day and evening. Due to the 3 hour time difference she can't call them at 9pm because it is midnight there. Now that they all have an early bed time for school, she won't be able to call past 5 pm our time. that is like forever in 10 year old world... that time from 5-9 pm!

We all voted "yes" as a family (i was the only one left on the "no/maybe" side, so i changed to yes) to move to California. And on many levels it has been an amazing choice for her life experiences. i think today is just one of those days that i feel sad for a choice made that strongly effects my child.

pet peeves were never meant to be pets.

my scribbles

peeve (pv)
tr.v. peeved, peev·ing, peeves

To cause to be annoyed or resentful. See Synonyms at annoy.

1. A vexation; a grievance.

2. A resentful mood: in a peeve about the delays.

to irritate or annoy: the way he looked at her peeved her

Today i am realizing a new peeve of mine... the miss-use of simple words online. i would never pass myself off as an English scholar or someone who has perfect spelling and grammar. i do not like to capitalize my "i" when i type, so i should really be the last person to have such a complaint... but here it is just the same.

Write:

i like to write. it is not right, nor is it wright.

Too:

i like this too! it is not to, nor is it two.

They're

They're sitting over by me. it is not there, nor is it their.

Do you see the pattern?

Yes, it is easy to mistake some uses of words. to be perfectly honest, "who or whom" has always confused me just a bit.

So please, i implore you to take a second when you are typing up your tweets, your status updates, and your messages to me... take this moment to reflect on your spelling of words. After all, we are only our words online. What you see is what you get in this world of first impressions.

thank you in advance!

leaning over and learning to overcome fears...

i am always one to follow rules... ALL of the rules!

i do not pee in public for a reason, not that i would... but geesh, it's a rule people!

So today when i disobeyed the signs saying "no parking at ANY time" to pull over to take this photo... 

my heart was racing, i was so afraid that i would be caught and hauled off to jail for taking a photo.

obviously nothing happened; and in fact several people pulled over in front of me to do the same thing.  They were much quicker than i was about jumping out of their car running up to the edge, snapping a photo and then racing back onto the road.  i stood there, i lingered just a bit and i took a few photos. After a moment i was not afraid of the rules posted right above my head.  But i was afraid of the heights of where i was standing.  i have a terrible fear of heights! 

But today, i stood close to the edge, and i took my photos. 

it felt good.

click your heals Dorothy... or click a button...

The real world is not so easy my darling.

Two thoughts about video games.

1. Cooking games. Do not let your children play these games.  Claire loves cooking games.  She loves making/creating elaborate meals and desserts.  She often calls me over to view what she has created.  I am often impressed by her "cooking" skills, and i've even wished i could eat the creation right off of the screen it looked so yummy!  Recently I have been trying to teach her how to cook.  I've been letting her peel.  I've been letting her cut. I've been letting her measure.  I've been letting her do anything that i think a 9 year old can handle.  I am learning very quickly that she is losing interest in learning how to cook.  

You see, cooking (real cooking) takes time.  You can not wash, peel, cut up, dice, smash, season, marinate, etc. the food in the span of 30 seconds like you can on a cooking game.  You can not turn on the stove/oven/grill and it be ready to boil/bake within an instance.  Some meals can take hours to prepare.  Sure you can cut corners and purchase things already ready, but that is not what i am teaching her.  Real cooking means real work in the kitchen.

Today we prepared a BOX meal. Rice and vermicelli. You put in some butter, wait for it to melt a bit, and then you pour in the rice mixture.  You stir it around a bit and wait for it to turn brown. This is where i lost her.  She got bored with stirring it and said, "i'll be right back." and the next thing i know Michael is standing next to me cooking her meal.  I was preparing my Thai food left-overs and making more asian noodles to really care at that moment.  But darn it! I do care. I refuse to let her grow up never learning to cook.  It is frustrating these video games they play. What happened to Pacman?  Most of these games make the real world seem easy.  It creates a false illusion of how things really are in the world.  Yet they mass produce them and sell them as something to simulate reality.  Sorry to tell you kids, life is not as easy as clicking a button!

2. I have become a "game" player.  Well, not really. They have these silly little games on Facebook where you grow a farm or take care of a pet.  Today i noticed something that had been there all along, but never caught my attention.  "Go Home" It's just that simple. If you are lost, if you are somewhere you do not want to be, or even if you are some where you want to be but you just want to go home... click a button!  It's the same in the Wizard of Oz. "just click your heals Dorothy..." 

Um, yes... excuse me, i'd like to go home now! Can i click my heals? No, that won't work. Can i click a button? No, i'm pretty sure i'd still be here. It will take planning and packing and saving... and more planning and more packing and more saving of money and ah!! Yes, returning back home will not happen for quite some time.  But wouldn't it be nice if you could just click a button or a pair of ugly red shoes and return from where you came from?

***

Today i actually packed up things i had already unpacked. Yes, it sounds strange. We have no where to put anything. So i had a pile of picture frames in one corner... another pile had photo albums... another pile had random cards and pictures that were hanging on a pin wall.  I keep unpacking and making piles only to realize i have no where to put things yet.  Michael keeps saying, "don't get comfortable here... we won't be staying."  i do not even bother with putting holes in the walls since we'll only need to fix them all later.  So today i looked around at all of my loose piles of nick-nack's and what's-its and i made the choice to stop looking at the mess and just pack it all back up again.  

This made me both a little happy and a little sad.

lost in the words...

I can not say that i have ever known that feeling of being totally lost in the language.  Having never been to another country, i am oblivious to that feeling.  But i am learning so much living in California. This area is 55% Asian 15% Hispanic 15% Indian (India) and only 7% Caucasian and a mix of other races making up the other percentage points.  Just by walking around each day i feel an odd sense of not belonging...

Hanjin (as seen in image above) is my brothers wife of almost 2 years.  She is super sweet and very quiet.  Each time she speaks to me, i try so hard to understand her.  I am not sure if it is that she is not speaking loud enough to be heard clearly, or if i am so-very-not use to translating the broken English spoken by a person not native to America... but there is a lot being lost in translation.

Today we went on an adventure alone with her.  It was i am sure the first of many to come.  She needed to go to the market, which seemed innocent enough of a trip.  I told my brother, "no problem, we can take her while you get some work done."  In the end i realized we were taking her to a Korean/Japanese/Asian market.  

I had been told before that this was an amazing place with lots of foreign goods.  The market itself was very neat, lots of normal foods, and many strange things that Americans probably would never eat (dried squid on a stick anyone?).  I love the Thai noodles that they make in the Thai restaurants but i can never find them in  a normal grocery store.  I was excited at the prospect of locating them in this store.  The asian noodle isle was huge!  Of course everything on the package was written in asian (which exact language i can not be sure), and of course Hanjin tried to communicate to me what kind of noodles i should buy.  I ended up with two different kinds because part of me was overwhelmed by the choices, and another part of me just wanted to satisfy her speaking to me saying, "you buy this one, no?" So i finally just said, "yes, i will buy this one" to a set of noodles.  Only to locate the ones i think i want (?) a few rows down.  I didn't have the heart to put the other set of noodles back on the shelf.  And i was kind of worried i would end up with dried anchovies if i grabbed the wrong item on the shelf. ;-) (ps- these WERE purchase by Hanjin)

The ride home was as quiet as the ride there.  I kept trying at talking to her about things, but i think she was just as unsure of having a conversation with me as much as i was with her.  We sat silently listening to the Juno soundtrack while Claire enjoyed her Asian doughnut and milk in the backseat.  This adventure was quite the learning lesson for me.  One day i wish to venture beyond our borders and see the world.  I only hope i can communicate on a level to where i do not feel like an outsider even when i am with family.  I really think i want to learn Korean now to make her life easier around us... not to mention being able to buy lots and lots of good noodles!

getting old... what?

back in the 1950's, getting old did not mean learning that much.  When you get old, you are suppose to just retire... play a little golf, drink some wine, sit back and relax while you enjoy your life.  You should not have to take classes to learn the new hip stuff!  I mean think about it... the phones back in the day, the ones that hung on the wall, they were pretty much the same ones that had been around for years.  Maybe they came in different colors.  Maybe the cord was longer so you could chase around your kids or cook a meal while still on the phone.  But the concept of having a phone where you rotary dialed the numbers, it was still the same old stuff as the 1940s.  The concept of the TV was pretty much the same too.  It was not until much later in the 70s or 80's that some people got remote controls, but even that didn't complicate the Tv too much!

today, getting old means learning a whole lot of shit! Cell phones, computers, internet, wireless systems, handsfree devices, iPods, DVR's, Satellite TV, DVD's, etc.  I just got a GPS. I am not old, but this thing is making me say... what the??? on a daily basis!

I can not even imagine what it will be like when i am 80.  Will i be like the Queen of England and have an iPod at the ripe old age of 83?  By the time i am 83, who knows what new hip thing will be!  I can't even figure out how to program the direct Tv DVR at my parents house.  The stupid thing keeps telling me there is a new message... all i want to do is watch the news! (OK, and i also want to watch American Idol and the Office)

The plan is to grow old gracefully... the reality is we will all end up looking like complete idiots to our grandchildren when the new technologies come out.

being without a place...

yesterday was a really hard day for me. After two very LONG (stressful) days at work and staying in a hotel since Monday afternoon... i was hitting a breaking point. On the verge of tears i told my husband that i could not stay at the hotel another night.  And i asked him what he thought about it all, to no surprise he had no input past, "do what you want..."

After hours of being teased by every one because they thought just as much before hand; that i would not be able to last in the hotel... i just gave up on even trying to cope. I picked up my purse i grabbed our main suitcase and told Michael and Claire to follow.  Claire of course was mad because the hotel was her way of staying in town to be closer to her friends for much longer.  But i reminded her that it was a Friday night and i had not made any "final" choice on the issue. So, I drove us up to my parents house.

I still feel like curling up into a ball and just crying.  I am no longer enjoying this feeling of being displaced.  I have a new found understanding of those who have to be put out because of a flood, fire, hurricane, etc.  I use to look at those people and think, "wow i feel bad for them... but it isn't so bad because they have a place to stay... not like they are 'homeless' and in a box on the street."  I no longer will ever see anyone being displaced in the same way again.

I am a smeller. It sounds strange, but i can smell something and remember the first time i smelled it.  i miss my smells being around me. i miss curling up with my own blanket at night with my own pillow (oh yeah, now that we're at my parents... it's SOOO coming out of that space age bag thing!), i miss being able to just be...

So to sum up, $300 later, we are out of the hotel and at my parents house.  I'm hating the allergies, they have two cats.  I appear to be crying and the eyes are puffy and the nose is running and red from being blown all last night... but once i wash down the bedding, and get out MY pillows, i am hopeful that i might feel better than i am feeling today still.

I keep wondering if this all makes me just a totally horrid person for feeling like i do.  I never think of my self as "spoiled". Picky, yes! Stubborn, hell yes!  But spoiled? God i was hoping i was not one of those type of people... but it appears that maybe i am :-(

All that we own...

Well, here it all is... this is all that we have left. There are a few things that will go in my car, like clothes, my guitar, my stand mixer, the laptops, and other random things.

It is hard to believe that our 3 bedroom, two living room's, 3 baths, kitchen, and closets full of our life, now fit into this large square (many boxes!) in the back of our truck (as seen above).  It is something that most people wouldn't do in life, just start over with everything that they own.  Unless it was by no choice of their own (flood, fire, etc.)... most people become attached to their personal belongings in a way that i am starting to understand as almost unnatural. We place so much feeling of want and desire on the things that we purchase in our life.  It is not until we are left with almost nothing that we learn what is more important in our life.  You can not buy your friends (even if you try), you can not buy your happiness (even if you want to), you can not find true love or fullfill any desire by purchasing any item on the planet. We tend to buy our children every toy they want and more and then we wonder why we are broke at the end of the month.  We are turning our children into consumeristic nations by giving them so much junk at their finger tips to play with!  If they become bored with toy A-Z we can shove toy 1-100 in front of them to keep them occupied while we are busy ignoring them by being online or watching sports or just doing any number of other things in our overly busy lives.  hundreds of years ago most kids had 1 toy and they loved it, they kept it and passed it down to their children and grandchildren.  What is the last thing you bought your child that could be handed down to the next generation?  Video's, games, toys, etc are all a passing fad and by the time you have a grandchild they will all be out of date. (sorry i'm rambling here!)

***

there was a blog post that i saved long ago, written by unknown at this point, but i felt it worth a share here:

This culture confuses excitement and fulfillment. Fulfillment can't be mass produced and sold in 30 second increments. It's not quantifiable. Excitement is much easier to package and monetize, and because it's not fulfilling, getting a little just makes us want more. We are bombarded by it and our appetite can never be sated and the means become the ends and we end up spending all our time, money, and energy chasing the next high, the next new thing. We're a nation of addicts. Viva la capitalism.

Part of conscious capitalism is vigilant defense of your mindshare. Just cuz they're sellin' don't mean you have to buy, or even pay attention. Your time, and especially your attention, are the most precious things you own, and the 21st century has made our culture the battlefield to harvest those things from you as much as possible.

The first step is awareness.

listening to music will not fulfill you
watching tv will not fulfill you
watching movies will not fulfill you
playing games will not fulfill you
eating food will not fulfill you
empty sex will not fulfill you
sleeping all day will not fulfill you
buying stuff will not fulfill you

creating will fulfill you
sharing yourself with others will fulfill you
traveling and learning about people will fulfill you
developing trust and nurturing intimacy will fulfill you
making things better, in some small way, wherever you go
will fulfill you

it starts with yourself
but it doesn't end there
there is always more to do, more to learn, more to give
life is growth and change
things will settle down when you die
until then
seek fulfillment in life
when you are fulfilled, excitement is just a novelty, not a need

One side optimism

I am a very optimistic person. I tend to see good in all people, until they give me a reason to see their true colors. I tend to let most things slide and return to seeing the good in people. But there are some times when someone continues on a path of being something that i dislike, it is times like these when my optimism falls short of perfect.  I will only see one side of the optimistic coin and start to take a negative stand on how i see them.  When i get to this point, it becomes hard for me to flip the coin over and see them in a good way again.

We are moving. We ARE moving. That being said, i am growing tired of people asking me, "why are you moving... can't you stay here and find work?" The cold hard truth is that there is nothing here for me.... for any of us.  Michael has been unable to find work in his field.  I have never made this town my "home". Claire will be upset about the move but she is a child and will soon move into her new life with just as much love and hope as she does with everything else in her life.  

I have made a few friends in this town, but there is no one i would call upon to hang out with me on a Friday night.  There is no one that i have a mutual relationship with.  I have friends that i enjoy, but they are busy and i see them... well never.  I have friends that we only have our kids in common, but beyond that i do not see us as long term friends.  I have work friends and people i can call on to ask a silly question to get a quick answer about where to find something in this town.  But true friends, a person i would call on in the hardest of times and lean on, a shoulder to cry on... i never found that in anyone here.

My parents live an hour away. They do not come over here to see us, ever! If we want to see them, we have to go over there.  The sad truth is that we will probably see my parents more when we move because they will fly out for weeks at a time to visit.  Here, they just sit in their house and don't really socialize with us when we come over.  I can't count how many times my mom sits and talks on her phone while we are there.  (Gossip among teachers, someone one day will have to explain this phenomenon to me!) But is that enough reason to stay here in the mid-west... family who we never really see even though they are so close? For me this is not a strong enough reason for use to live here, where we do not want to live anymore.

So i find this move being something that only we are happy and excited about.  Everyone has been giving us a hard time and i am starting to see the true colors of many people.  I am even finding that random people who hardly know us are more excited for us than people we actually know and are suppose to be our "good" friends.  It is strange, i felt more comfortable telling my favorite Starbucks Barista about our moving issues than some of these people who were once known as friends.  I will honestly miss Karen, she has been giving me my Starbucks for so many years... she has seen Claire grow up and it will be strange to walk into a new starbucks and be treated like just another customer!

Today i sit here, 14 days before we have to be out of our house, in a mini-panic about our living arrangements for the next 49 days... and wondering where all of my true friends went? Did us choosing to better our life and make this move change who we were, or did it change who they were, or did it just change who they were in my mind?  I would love to have someone to lean on for support, but me being a private person on many things in my life i tend to not be trusting of new people.... and the people that i thought i knew are no longer people i want to turn to or lean on for support.

Maybe this is for the best... make a total clean break from all of the things we are leaving behind.  Start fresh in California and make new friends... keeping the old in memory and maybe online on facebook...

AH! Aging signs...

We all age... you can't stop it.  From the moment you go from the stage of "egg and sperm" you are growing older.  I sit back in awe of my daughter every day.  She is growing up to be such a beautiful little lady.  As i watch her growing up... i see myself growing older.  It was not until last year that i looked in the mirror and thought "ah crap.... i see wrinkles!"  And with all of the stress of the last year, the signs of aging are growing more and more everyday.  Why 30's why!?

funny blog entry that has a beauty tip!

Go on, click and read the link above.  And then do the little age in the mirror test.  Hold a mirror above your head, look up - that is what you use to look like 5 years ago!  Hold a mirror below your head - that is what you will look like in 5 years! I need an intervention now... i don't want to look like an old lady in 5 years!

I know we can't go backwards, but it would be amazing to be a kid again, even for just a day.  To run and play and not worry about "signs of aging" but being excited about getting older with each and every day.  When i was younger i loved to play sports... as an adult, well to be blunt - large breasts keep me from running around and playing like a child.  Sure i could pay $20,000 and have a reduction... but at the risk of infections and changing the way that God created me, i choose to just stay the way that i am today.  But i often wonder how different i would be in life if i was still able to run and play sports like i use to love to do in life.

Today i am searching for an organic lotion, treatment, something to just give my face that youthful glow again. I'm feeling old today.

If I become a Nun...

I'm starting to wonder if i should just become a Nun?  No, seriously.  

Wait, if you are married, can you become a nun?

Let's just say you can.  Maybe with our move out to California i can become a nun. This image seems like good times!  

I like to think of myself as an average person, with lots of random quirks.  I do not eat meat, but i will not tell ANYone to stop eating meat.  It is my choice.  I do not drink a drop of alcohol, but i will not tell ANYone to not drink - ok, i tell my child "drinking is bad! just say no!"  I do not watch porn, read dirty magazines, watch horror movies, watch R rated "sex" movies, or spread dirty jokes around online.  I enjoy funny things, i just do not think that you need a pair of breasts or a couple of strangers emulating having sex in a movie to enjoy the good things in life.

I am starting to become fed up with people acting in negative ways around me and my family.  Over drinking, not funny.  Over saying the "F" word, not funny.  Sending me "sex" photos on Facebook, SO NOT FUNNY!  Sending me messages just "catching up" with me, not to mention that i don't even KNOW you as an adult and telling me about your sex life, not funny.  I will stop there, you get my point.

I should just do it, become a NUN!  Then i can just start tossing religious pamphlets at people who offend me.  Because if i have to see one more person in my life act "dirty" in front of me or me and my child... i'm gonna just stand up and draw a cross (or other religious icon) on a piece of paper and tape it to their shirt and then explain to them how they are going to burn in hell for acting the way that they do.  Go on... i dare you send me something dirty!

watcha needing?

In a magical place, in a far off land...

there is a place that has toys that are grand.

They fly on their own and speak just to you,

Won't you come along with me too?

"I don't care how....

i WANT it NOOOOOOOOW!" 

- Veruca Salt

Yep, that's more like it!  Kids want their toys and they want them now!  They do not care about the imagination of playing.  They play for a moment, and then they move on to the next new toy.  And i'm sorry, but it is the parents fault, and the parents fault alone.

We go to the store about twice a week.  Claire on a rare occasion will want to go to the video game isle to see what is new out there.  But the toy isle? nope.  When she was a baby we purchased all of her favorite toys.  If she like Toy Story, she owned every toy story character we could find.  If she liked my little ponies, our floors were covered in MLP.  You get the idea.  About 2 years ago it hit me... just like adults, if a child likes something it doesn't mean they have to own it all.  I like Converse shoes, but i only own 1 pair.  I have obsessions just like anyone and when i like something i want to buy it. That doesn't mean that i do buy it.

Me, i need a good night sleep.

i need an answer.

i need a vacation.

i need clothes for working for only 1 month.