a move begins

It started with a mention of moving.  Then the slow progression of talking about moving.  Then the jobs that were keeping us here, today, they were no more.  Last month we knew we were hitting hard times, but the summer looked bright with several jobs lined up.  Work was coming, we just had to hold on and keep going.  Then one job, then two, then all of them started to be cancelled because of the economy.  It wasn't long before we only had two jobs left this summer to keep us going.  And now, we have none.

Our talks of "someday" have now turned to, why not now?!  We are going to take a few days to think about it, talk about it with each other and our 9 year old daughter to figure out if moving to another state is something we want to do...

The great economic situation

I can not hold the faith for everyone in the world, but i hold faith for so many. It is like holding onto a bubble; you hope and pray that this bubble doesn't pop! I feel like if i move too much around in my life, the fragile bubble will pop. I feel as if i must keep this mental grasp on this faith bubble... but a very gentle grasp. I keep hoping that this bubble will turn more solid so that i can adjust my mental grasp. But it is still so fragile, it is still so un-movable in my mind. I fear that if i let go, even for a second, the bubbles will pop and all of my energy will go with them.

It is just an illusion built up in my mind on how i see my world around me. I hold bubbles for not only myself, but for several friends and family members. My mental concentration is such a struggle on some days that i keep building up that wall around me. I keep out so many people for fear of them coming inside this wall... they might accidentally pop one of my bubbles! If i lose concentration by a distraction for even a second... what will happen?

I've felt like this for over a year now. It is a feeling that i can't describe much better than the "bubble" feeling. I don't want to let go of my hope and my faith... but i'm starting to get so intwined with my many mental arms holding bubbles and this wall that is ever-growing around me... i'm feeling trapped. I made a choice recently to just drop 1 bubble. I let go of my volunteer work and quit the PTA. And i have to admit... letting go felt good! Dare i let go of another bubble? If so, which one do i choose? Which bubble is less important to who i am, or who i want to be?

These are my thoughts of today: Our house has come to the realization, we are not as secure as we were a year ago. The economy is making us re-evaluate every inch of everything that we do on every single day. We've cut out so much of our daily lives (Starbucks Frapp. i miss you so! lol) but we are still standing strong. I keep wondering how much more can we cut back in our daily lives and still be who we are in our daily lives. I've taken step after step to save, scrimp, save and remove all debt from our life. It seems to be helping, but recent changes in the economy have brought more "bad" news into our lives. I am now holding a very large bubble of hope and faith that we keep our current way of life!

We discussed moving last night. We use to talk about "one day when we are super rich... let's move somewhere fun!" And now we have the conversation of, "if things do not turn around and pick up... we will HAVE to move somewhere for work..." And now my personal bubbles feel heavy.... i am not sure i can handle the weight of much more in the bubble area. I hate to drop my faith and hope for anyone else that i am holding out my hope for... but today i am thinking that the weight of my own personal bubble needs more support than anyone else... but i just can't seem to let go.

So today, i am asking God to help me hold these bubbles... not just for myself but for all of the other people i am hoping and praying for each and every day.

in the eyes of an Obama Nation

When i was a child of 4 years old, Ronald Reagan came to the school down the street and met with the kids (my older sister being one of them). I remember hearing about the visit and how important it was to not only our town, but our tiny school. Even at the age of 4, the presidential happenings meant something important to me.  I do not remember it vividly but i do remember watching the Inauguration of Ronald Reagan.  I remember so many things coming onto the TV and into my life via this tiny box.  I often times hate the TV, i think it is a waste of time to sit and watch sports and "junk" shows.  I find it appalling that people use such a great innovation to watch such things as porn.  But in all the bad there is a lot of good to come across the TV screen in my life.  Some were sad, and some were important and moving.  But one thing is for certain, without the TV i would not have been able to take part in viewing a large part of history.

I recall exactly where i was when i watched events that were moving in my life on the television.  Today i made the choice to keep Claire home from school to take part in the very Historic event of Obama's Inauguration.  For me, it is something that all Americans should view.  Even if you do not care for Obama, or did not vote for Obama... such as it is in our family.  We should step back away from how we politically feel to accept the new leader of our country.  Today is even more historical because it is the first African-American President.  It is something that i will remember viewing, and i hope that Claire will remember the Inauguration (and not just that mommy let her "skip" school).

My one hope for the future of America and my child and all of the children is this; Peace.  If i could wrap my arms around the world to give it hope and deliver peace to every man, woman, and child... i would do that.  For now, i know that i can hug and protect, to the best of my abilities, my own child.  I hope that all parents got the message of hope, peace, and freedom from the speech given today by the new President of our country, Barack Obama.

what's on the list today...

Pet peeve of the day: Dishes left in the right side of the sink.  This is the side where you wash your hands, wash out your cup, dump un-eaten food down the drain.  Both Claire and my husband have this habit of just sitting their dirty dish in the sink.  As if a magic dish elf will come along and clean it off for them... oh wait, that's me!  Even if they do "rinse" it off, i hate when dishes are left in the side of the sink that is for using.  The left side was invented for a reason, am i right? 

How do you do it?

We do not live above our income. We do not take lavish vacations, or hardly any vacations really.  We do not go to movies, theatre shows, concerts, etc.  We do not go out to eat unless it is a "special" occasion.  We spend very little on "hobbies"... i do love to knit and sew but it doesn't add up to that much!

So how is it that i sit back and watch people who make far less than we do live far "better" than we do?  

I admit to not clipping coupons or shopping around to several stores just to get a box of cereal for 1/2 price!  I do use coupons that print off at the store, quite often actually.  I stick to a budget and plan out our meals for the week so i do not over buy food that we will not eat.  And we still spend 100-150 per week on food and random grocery items.  Which would add up to around 5,200 a year... and that is just for food!!!

So again i question if i should go out and earn more money, or just spend less?  And i really would like to know how people survive with more than 1 child (like we have) and only earn 30k a year?  

It is hard to imagine having our house payment, car payments and normal bills but earn far less than we do.  I feel like i am a bad person because i can't figure out the "trick"!  

I think i'm going to go into deep research mode and figure out if people are just big fat liars and really do live off of credit and debt... or if they have wonderful parents who just pay for their lifestyle... or a trust fund... or something.  Because i honestly am at a loss when i look around at several of my friends who claim they have ZERO credit cards, ZERO debts, and they live off of a very small income and still have more than what we have going on.

This started because i felt guilty buying 42.38 worth of groceries today to earn Box Tops for my daughter's school.  Sad and pathetic, i know!  But i honestly felt that buying cake mixes and cereals we didn't really need was a waste since we really did need other food items.

help me understand, because i really am strangely fascinated by how people live their lives when they have no money to live by. (and i don't mean that to be mean and nasty, just that i can't figure out how to send my daughter to an acting camp this summer and we actually have a decent amount of money coming in and little debt; yet i have one friend who is going to a tropical island, another who is taking her family of 5 on a cruise, and another who's husband isn't currently working and is making crafts like they are surrounded by money and then i felt guilty buying a $2 packet of yarn the other day! am i overly feeling guilt for spending money when times are hard, or are other people just not caring enough?)

Keys to my life

although the car has changed twice, the key chains remain the same. I got a Hurley keychain in pink and white back in 1997. You can see the backside of a silver "Roswell" keychain that was a gift back in 1999. My house key which is the first key to our first house (where we still live) hides behind the Ford truck key. The key to my current car is snug inside of the ignition. And lastly (but not least) the Penny Angel which guards and protects me as i drive was given to me by my mother back when i got my first car along with the privilege to drive it! 

They are something that gets tossed in my purse daily. They get thrown in pockets and dropped on floors and driveways.  I've "lost "the Hurley logo several times because it falls off of it's own little circle and i often find it laying next to my car.  Luckily it's always found its way back to me.  These keys mean very little to me but at the same time they mean the world to me!

Yesterday they were shimmering in the light as i sat and waited for Claire to get out of school. It was as if i noticed them for the first time in a long time. It was like they were screaming out "notice me" and that i did; i took notice and what each part of it means to me. 

Today i sit here wondering where the economy will take my family in this new year. It's been a rocky past few months and the future on one day looks bright and then another day takes away a job and the future looks questionable. It seems to be one of those days, where the future has a giant "?" staring us in the face. No matter what the future holds for us as a family i know that i will always hold even the littlest things in my life close to my heart and understand that no one can take away the memories of our lifetime.

things we see...

i saw this on another person's photo page... i have NO idea where it came from?

In Each of us, two natures are at war --- the good and the evil.

All our lives the fight goes on between them, and one of them must conquer.

But in our own hands lies the power to choose --- 

what we want most to be... we are.

***

And i am starting to wonder if i stand alone in wanting to be good?

i'm not saying everyone i know is "evil" but they are not exactly "nice" and willing to be helpful and always kind to others.