Monday, November 3, 2008

self realization

When it comes to doing something for nothing, i'm your girl.  When it comes to putting others first, yep that's me again.  When it comes to doing nice things even for complete strangers, again...that would be me.  When it comes to saying "yes", that's me i'm a "yes" girl!

Have you ever watched a movie and as they were telling a character there is something that they do that is bad or not what they should be doing....and you sit there just hoping that everyone else around you can't tell that you are that same kind of person?  This happened to me the other day while watching "27 dresses".  The character of Jane is being told by Kevin that she doesn't know how to tell people "no".  He continues on to ask her later in the movie, "what about you, don't you have any needs..."  This started my thought process last week.  It is something that i think about often, but never has it hit me so hard as it did in watching this movie.

Also, all day Sunday i got caught up on watching my netflix.  I happened to be watching "Samantha Who?" (if you have not seen it yet, i urge you to watch it!) As i sat there watching episode after episode it made me think even more about my life.  If i were to wake up tomorrow and have no knowledge of my past 18 years, would i be happy with who i am today?  My 15 year old self would be hating me (everything except my wonderful daughter)!  i have one.  I am only here to do things for other people.  Although i do enjoy a lot of what i am doing, it doesn't fully describe me as a person.  My dreams of who i wanted to be when i grew up.  I am not living 1 of them.  not even 1.  I do not have a huge family, i am not a career mom, i do not run my own business, i do not live near the beach, i'm not involved in the things i wanted to be.  Sure you can say it is just the dreams of a child and not everyone can have all of their dreams.  My dreams were pretty simple, it isn't like i wanted to be President!

Today drove it straight home.  I do volunteer work at the school daily.  Monday through Friday.  I try not to miss a day, even when i am sick.  Two weeks ago i was sick, then we had a field trip sleepover for two days, then i got even more sick because of the field trip, then there was a 4 day weekend, then i had other obligations.  So in short - i had not been at the school helping in 2 weeks and 2 days.  It isn't like i expected a parade marking my return or anything like that.  But not one person that i do piles and piles of work for on a weekly basis, not one person said "hey haven't seen you in awhile... where've you been?" nothing along those lines. It was as if no one even noticed that i was gone, nor did they notice really that i was there all morning today. 

So i realized something.  I'm busting my ass weekly for people who i am not friends with.  People who wouldn't notice if i was missing for 2 weeks.  People who just want more and more work done and even when you do a HUGE project for these people, they say a quick "thank you" (if you're lucky to get a thank you) and the next day there is another project they need done that is just as huge for them.  Even if i was not there, there would be someone else to do their work for them...and if not, these people are quite capable of doing the work themselves.

So i'm starting to wonder, why am doing all of this stuff for people who do not honestly care who does the job for them...just as long as their job gets done?  If i give someone more than i should - i should be getting something more in return...instead i am giving my all and getting nothing in return.  

A new age of ME is coming....

No comments:

Post a Comment