climate gate.

the reason we try.

Over the last few days i've been reading and listening to the News talk about "climate gate" (if you've been living inside of a box, try going to google and doing a search on "climate gate"). It stands to reason that any lie is bad and should be looked down upon. But i also feel that it is necessary to sometimes lie to certain people in life... "Why no dear, that doesn't make you look fat." ;-) Although i pride myself on being up front and honest as much as i can in life - i would expect nothing less than the truth from all others to me... so i do all that i can to always tell the truth, even if it hurts someone. But there are certain times when you just can't help but lie to avoid major hurt or unforeseen circumstances.

So when i hear/see that people in the climatology departments have been faking documents to cover up that the world isn't exactly warming up like they had previously predicted - one thing 1st comes to mind - so what?

But when you dig deeper down into the cost of it all - then and only then do i feel frustration towards the issue.

Set aside the cost issue... set aside the billions wasted each year on fake studies and false records... set it all aside, and what you get are people working towards a better future for the planet to make life better for every person on it.

But it does remind me of a quote my Earth Science teacher said almost daily so its burnt into my mind, "the planet will be here long after humans die off and another race of beings takes it over..." just as it did with the dinosaurs; what we are doing today is protecting and preserving HUMAN kind, not the planet. There is very little that we, as humans, can do to destroy the planet for good. We might change its nature, we might make it appear differently than what it had in the past... but we can't destroy the planet (short of blowing it up, of course). But we can harm and destroy HUMAN kind by what we do.

Another thing is a great photographers quote "keep/leave it just as you found it..." meaning that when you go to take a photo of nature or life, don't adjust what you see... don't move the leaves around to make it more pretty for what you think might make it prettier in a photo... just take your photo, and move on so that others can come and see the world just as it should be - natural - un messed with by human kind.

So back to my first original thought of "so what?" If it takes a "lie" to wake up most people on this planet that what they are doing is killing each other, then i say fib a little bit... just stop spending/wasting money doing it and we're all good. Most people i know do not recycle or even try to "save the planet". But i've been at this saving the world business since i was a teenager (but i am far from perfect at it). I was part of Greenpeace. i've been a vegetarian since age 11 and will forever be one. I refuse to think to this day that it is about saving the planet, the planet will be just fine - what i am trying to save is the future of HUMAN kind. Saving the future for my daughter and her (our) future children.

So to sum up, lying is BAD... but maybe change your tactics to save the people instead of saving the planet and you will get more help. Most people are against killing of humans (sure they'll eat a cow or two) so if they realize they're killing each other off slowly by trashing the planet - maybe they will wake up and try harder :)

love hurts, but it's worth it.

it sounds strange, but it is true.

there should be a class to teach about the feelings of love!

When i was in 6th grade i was "in love" with a boy named Bradley. He was so dreamy!

When i was in 7th grade, his name was Chad. Chad broke my heart.

In 8th grade his name was Andy, oh i was so young for Andy!

in 10th Grade i was once again "in deep love" with a boy... he turned out to be a stalker, but my heart didn't see it.

My mom wasn't really the best at explaining love and relationships to me. And my older sister would rather steal from me or beat me up than share her wisdom. So i was pretty much lost in the land of love and how to love and what it meant to love and be loved.

I think there are probably more kids than we realize who are unaware of LOVE. i don't mean the "i love you mommy and daddy" kind of love, but the "i want to spend the rest of my life with you (or at least the next few months of our relationship)" kind of love. To tell a person that you love them with those feelings is a very big deal. Then there is the love you create by bonding with a close friend. i never fully grasped love as a kid - i loved everyone! I told everyone that i loved them and didn't think much about it. i was a free spirit with my love and just gave it away all of the time. Now i am very guarded of my love and the use of the word love. Almost to a point where i do not share it enough.

Love hurts! and through the years i have come to understand that be it a friend or a family member or even in the past a boyfriend - when you put love out there and it gets beat up a bit, you lose part of that love and it is hard to get it back. i spent several years holding in my love and only sharing it with those that i truly felt deserved it (mostly hubby and my kid). But slowly i have been trying to put myself back out there by telling people that i care about - that they are loved by me, that they mean something to me as a friend or a family member. I've been hurt bunches in this adventure of putting myself back out there. But i am learning!

If only they had a class in school about love. How to love. How to be loved. What love is exactly... maybe there would be less pain in the world?

age limit for kids online?

We live in an online world these days. I could see this back in 1995 when i got my first Window's based computer and went online and started my first website (it was cheesy!). But the world that we live in is quickly moving to a world where kids NEED to know about the online world at a much younger age.

Claire was playing online at Playhouse Disney when she was 3. She could turn on the computer, she could open the Internet, and she could type in enough of the web URL that the rest would pop up and she would then click on the link to take her to Playhouse Disney.com. She had and used her own e-mail account starting at age 3. She had her own website (still does, its just not up at the moment) at the age of 2 and by the age of 4 she was helping me design it and work it. She had her own twitter at the age of 8. She had her own Facebook by the age of 9 and the list continues to grow.

i have many friends who shelter their kids from the online world thinking that it will protect their kids. My wonder in their thinking is this, Protect them from what? It is true that the world is a big place and the internet brings it right to your doorstep. But it is also true that if you are a good parent you can still shelter them from the world online by being a positive influence and by keeping tabs on what they are doing. I have not had any issues to date with Claire being online. she is 10 and still growing in her love of the internet.

For me it was the simple fact that the internet is the wave of the future. Heck, it is the wave of the NOW! If your kid doesn't get small doses of it during their youth, when they do get the ability to be online they will go over-board and perhaps feel lost. I'm not saying let your kid loose online and find their way to a porn website! but giving them their own e-mail account to connect with friends and family near and far,

love always.

how true is this tag?!

we often push people away

just when we need them the most
and we tend to get offended when we are pushed away
so we forget to give those who are pushing,
love...
when they need it the most.

Sending lots of love out to everyone who is reading.
be who you are, because who you are, is loved!
xoxo

love is in the air.

sometimes in the mix of battle,

the battle of just everyday life stuff,
we forget to show love to those who are there for us.

Go on, shower someone with love today.
someone that doesn't get to hear it too often,
but should hear it from time to time.

i really like birds, but only in drawings

today is still full of yesterdays problems and wonderings,
but tomorrow is still a day ahead of today
and a happy change is sure to come our way!

what you don't say can say it all...

There are times when i think that i talk too much. i admit, i have been known to hog the conversation! But there are those rare times when i just have nothing to say to a person. Not out of spite or anger, but out of running out of things i feel that need to be said to a particular person. More and more recently i am feeling this way towards more and more people. It isn't that i do not want to talk to people, i just feel like i have nothing i want to say to them. I seem to have become more guarded in my life and the things that are going on in it. I feel like people will judge everything i say and not just let me talk for the sake of talking about how life is effecting me at the moment. Sometimes things are better just kept to yourself and not shared for the sake of sharing to vent or think out loud.

There are also times when something has been said and needs to be addressed. These are the times i hate the most. You know you've crossed a line or said something that maybe should have just been kept to yourself. Do you speak up to clear the air? do you wait for the other person to speak up? Do you just sweep it under the rug and move on? Do you say screw it and walk away completely from the person and the situation? So many times i take the higher road and i am the one to go to the person, break the tension, say i am sorry - even if it wasn't my fault. There have only been a few times in my life where i felt like nothing good could come from a conversation and i walked away never to look back. Sometimes you just have to do that though for the sake of keeping your own wits about you.

There are times when i need to say thank you in a bigger way, but i can't seem to find a good enough way to say it and then the opportunity passes... and keeps passing me by. i look back and realized that i never said a proper thank you for something. Be it a gift, a condolence, a dinner being purchased, or other. sometimes saying "thank you" doesn't quite seem enough.

i have noticed my silence becoming more random recently. i've been trying to give up my use of twitter... and in doing so i have only been posting music and craft tips and random things here and there. i was just looking at my recent tweets - they look like that of a crazy person because there is no rhyme or reason to anything i am saying! But then again, twitter is pure chaos in a pretty package!

but i do not think people need to hear for the 100th time that i still have no job. i do not think that people care to see a million more photos on Facebook of our life out here. i do not think there is much to say to people who are essentially complete strangers to me in my life. Those who i once considered close have mostly drifted away over the last few years. i've been keeping more to myself and my family and sharing less with those who i did consider close to begin with... and now the sharing seems, well... quite lame and almost strange at times. They call it "social media" because you are to use these tools to socialize with people you know or want to know or have something in common with. At the moment, i don't feel like i have much in common with a whole lot of people! i feel rather isolated way over here in California.

On a good day i am lucky to not feel like crying when i go to bed... but that isn't something people care to really know. People enjoy the happy. They want to see pretty flowers, beaches, and wonderful things... and less reading about the emotions of that which is real life. And i do not blame people for wanting less crap to deal with. Who needs another friend with problems? who wants to take on caring about someone other than themselves? Who has time to be a real friend these days... you know the kind who is willing to set aside actual time to notice and care. We're all guilty of it... we all have friends who have too much going on in their life so we back away slowly so we do not have to deal with their stuff along with our own stuff. The measure of a true friend is the person who sticks around through the good and the bad times.

i have yet to meet one of those yet in my life. maybe one day. but for now i will stick with my wonderful family here for support and love. after all, i do love my kid the most of all!

magical places become routine.

i found this image the other day. At first i didn't think much about it and then i came across it again and then again. each time i glanced at the sentence and i thought about it slightly... i didn't want to read it and think about it because i knew exactly what it was saying.

i use to stay up late and get up early. i did not require too much sleep. i still lay in bed just glaring into the dark room each night. i wake up early but i do not get up. sometimes i am sleeping and sometimes i am just laying there with my eyes closed thinking.

i have never been afraid of life or afraid to live the life in front of me. but there is something about this place that i find distracting and almost discouraging. i WANT to get out there and live it up! but everywhere you go there are masses of people... complete strangers. it doesn't matter what time of the day, it is busy all of the time, everywhere that you go. i am not afraid of a person, but i do fear the unknown of the masses. 1 person, i can feel out the situation and deem the person as safe/unsafe to be around for too long. Sure you never fully know, but i've learned to go with my gut feelings. But when you go to a simple place like a park and there are hundreds of strangers all around you... most are not even speaking my language when i pass by them... this feeling becomes overwhelming at best. i am not one to panic and run away and hide... but i have found myself wanting to go out alone less and less.

i have noticed that do not want to go out unless everyone is with me. i think this is because when i am left alone i tend to attract people, strangers, who want to come up and talk to me. it keeps happening to me and my comfort zone has went from OK to not OK pretty quickly. Since i have less of a desire to go out, i have become bored with the inside of this apartment and the things that i do on a daily basis. Baking a cake doesn't seem like enough. Painting doesn't seem like enough. Photography doesn't seem like enough. so i have noticed that i tend to go to bed earlier than i use to and i want to stay in bed longer than i use to.

there is a deep desire inside of me to move back home. is having the things that we have here in Cali really worth it if you do not experience them? does just the fact that they are out there enough to be happy? i have no easy answers for my feelings today. i only know this; everything is magical until it becomes routine.

sharing is good.

Today i bring you finds with the topic of rain...

a simple umbrella

tea cups

epic

romantic
day dreaming
classic
my truths
simplicity
beauty
a girl in the rain

we often put away the camera when it rains... but the truth is, some of the most magical of images can be taken during a rain storm or even just a light drizzle. I bring you these photos because i miss the rain almost every day of the week! the image labeled "My truths" is because that speaks volumes about how i feel. You never know what you are missing until it is taken away for such a long time! Go, DANCE in the rain today... and photograph it!

beauty is skin deep or photoshop can help create it!

i realize i have already covered this subject recently, but when i saw this video i couldn't resist posting it! every girl (and guys for that matter) should see this video and see what the end photo looks like vs. the ordinary girl at the beginning.

i have so many people in my life that i think are beautiful on the outside but fall short of being a beautiful person because of the way they treat people. imagine if we wore our inner beauty on the outside for all to see. Confidence is a big start in that beauty being seen. Some of the nicest, most beautiful people i know are far from ugly (but aren't super models either)... but i almost did not know them because they were shy and didn't even try to put themselves out there. They seemed awkward and i almost didn't even notice them because they looked just average on the surface. Once i got to know them i realized that they were amazing! Sometimes we only see what is there for us to see, which is a major fault of human nature.

i've noticed Claire paying more attention to magazines and what people look like. i have always been open with her about my working in photoshop for a career (which i am happily no longer doing!). She has seen the original photos and then what happens with each stage and the end product. i've had clients who were losing their hair and i added hair to make them look like they were not going bald. i've had clients request that they have no wrinkles on their CD covers, so i edit them out. i've had clients with a pimple or a missed stubble hair during their morning shave, each item was edited out until the final image looked like a perfect person. So for me it is easy to show her and tell her that people in magazines are not always what they appear to be. She gets it, but i think deep down she still wonders if she measures up... or if she would need some major tweaking if she was a model. (which is a dream career for her, sadly i can't convince her otherwise!)

i wish there wasn't a beauty ruler in life... but we are all seen on levels of attraction. Be it what we see on the outside, or what we show from our insides. If you are an ugly person on the outside, you can still shine and become beautiful with how you treat people. But if you are beautiful on the outside and take that opportunity to manipulate people and use people for what you want... it makes you just as "ugly" as the person with flaws on the outside. One day people will wake up and realize who/what you are if you are a mean person... despite how you look on the outside.

to quote someone's blog i recently had the honor of reading...
"Many times we don't give people a chance
simply because their outer appearance doesn't fancy us
or the first impression wasn't "lovely"
or we just don't like "their type".
Understandable...because that's our human nature.
But as Christians God persuades us to have control
over our nature. Because if we let it dominate
in our life we will quickly find ourselves
headed in a downward direction."

so today i am setting a goal to do my best never to judge on a first impression again.

sharing.

i have a habit of going to websites that host photos (other than flickr) and just looking through all of the photos to see the creative side of people. One thing that i love the most is old school thinking. Polaroid. We use to do this with photoshop, take an image holding a polaroid in your hand and then take another image and edit it into that Polaroid slot to express something. Now that they have made the choice to never make instant polaroid film anymore... which makes me rather sad to see an end of a photography era... the only real way to create images using polaroid is with this photoshop method. if you do not work with photoshop i have probably lost you, point is here are some Polaroid images that i found unique and i wanted to share them.

for the love of Kate

Kate Nash - Navy Taxi
There happen to be 3 artists that i think capture the things i would like to say and put it to music. Sometimes they say it exactly how i want it to be said, and some times it is just close enough. Kate Nash is one of those artists. And Navy Taxi reminds me the way i feel when i am running late. Mostly because i can not stand when people are habitually late, so when i myself am late for something i feel like an ass and i feel like the person who i have left waiting should say to me the second i walk through the door, "hey you suck, you're late and made me wait..."

But then i realize that we all have days where we are running late. We all have our little mishaps, missteps and things that make us go off course... and it is our life, so people should over look it once in awhile.

More and more recently i am realizing that this life is my life. And although i do not plan on being a shitty person and walking all over people - it is however time for me to make a stand and say, "this is my life..." and make myself be the top priority in who i am.


Rain spat in my face, thanks a lot mate
And I lost a tenner on the way
Thinking about it, did I spend it last night
When I was drunk and I wanted to get more drunk

Missed the train, thanks a lot mate
I didn't want to be late today, cause I'm always late
And I really hate always being late
And now the other train is delayed... great.

Carrying bags and a navy taxi man said
"Take your time love
'Cause you don't have to rush
'Cause it's your life and it's no one else's, sweetheart
Don't let someone put you in a box."

So I take all that other stuff that I said before
And I'm gonna make it work
'Cause I'm losing my mind and it's driving me up the wall

So I tried to help you carry your shopping
But I wasn't concentrating, I was talking
And I got it caught on the side of this thing and it split
And I'd try to help you walk along but I'd probably end up pushing you over
But don't worry, I'll never let you fall

And I'm stubborn and I shout and I'll cut you out
And I'll make you feel like I never wanted to make you feel

And I'm stubborn and I shout and I'll cut you out
And I'll make you feel like I never wanted to make you feel

Carrying bags and a navy taxi man said
"Take your time love
'Cause you don't have to rush
'Cause it's your life and it's no one else's, sweetheart.
Don't let someone put you in a box."

So I take all that other stuff that I said before
And I'm gonna make it work
Because I'm losing my mind and it's driving me up the wall
And this time, it will be different,
This time, it will be different

passion.

Passion

it often occurs to me that i have a lot of passion. Sometimes this is a good thing because i am in it to win it! but there are times when i let my emotions control the events. Be it happy, sad, angry, desperate... emotions are hard for me to keep in check.

When i become passionate against something (or someone), i most often stick to my beliefs. Harming not only myself, but those around me. There have been many times when this effected me deeply and changed my life forever. i am often left to wonder what would have come about if i had not let my passion take over and be the moment... instead of just living in the moment and letting it flow as it should.

i created this rock as a reminder of my passion being something i need to keep in check. it isn't easy, and one day i hope that i can have more control over this emotion so i can think before i act... or speak.

i placed the rock in an area of burnt trees along my path today; this represents how i most often feel after i allow passion about a situation to take place... i feel like i am this rock full of passion, and all around me is the destruction of those who i have hurt.

thoughts of today

* mystified by you *
why are you so nice
why are you so vile
you love me, adore me
then you take advantage... of me

i wish my smile was enough for this
i wish you could figure me out
i wish i could figure you out
i wish you'd never forget... me

when i say this
it is without you
before you, i knew not of you
slowly i already have forgotten... you

miss me if you want to
i will not be there for you
give me a call if you want to
i will not answer for... you

no more... for you
nothing else is for you
forget that i ever knew you
like you've forgotten... me.

***
i find life most interesting these days.
the distance from me to everyone that i use to know.
i use to enjoy seeing so many people.
i think distance brings out the people you never knew would be there for you,
and it shows you the people who you didn't realize would drop you.

**
i use to write for the sake of writing.
i would see something, someone, anything at all...
and i would write about it (like above)
i stopped because people thought everything was about ME.
guess what, not everything is about you and certainly not everything is about me.

*
selfish thoughts of today -
1. i wish i had loads of money to buy music. i miss buying music the most.
2. i wish i had a maid. i've never had one, but i think i'd enjoy having one.
3. i wish i had money to just go, be where i wanted to be.
4. i wish Michael could get a job, not only for money but because sometimes i need SPACE!
5. i wish i could bring my car back to me, tomorrow.

Columbus Day.

Do you know who did what and when they did it back in 1492?

Can you say exactly at what moment in history they threw someone off the boat for mutiny, or if they even did it?
Do you know for certain that Columbus held a knife to an innocent person and then killed them in cold blood?

As a history lover, once again i am mystified by the way people trash history and either glorify or damn someone for something we have no proof of in the past. i keep seeing people tweeting things like, "why do we celebrate a person who slaughtered millions of natives? it's wrong!" Perhaps there was blood shed by Columbus himself, but do we have a bloody knife with his fingerprints on it saying, see here is our proof? No, there is no hard evidence. We know that his group did indeed kill natives on their journeys. But we do not know if it was done because of fighting (an attack brought on by either side), or killing of innocent people for no reason other than to just kill them.

Perhaps his crew was killing in his name or the name of the King or perhaps the name of someone else. But if you are going to damn someone in history for having blood spilled in his name, then your biggest person to look at for that would be Jesus. The crusades alone would have millions killed all in the name of Jesus and spreading his name, forcing people to believe that he was their savior and their God. We still have people killing in the name of God, but that doesn't stop us from celebrating the good that came from these beliefs. The past was full of murderous killings, all in the name of someone else.

It baffles me that people neglect to recognize the history of our world because of the violence. In 1492, the world was full of disease, murder and rape. Do you know for a fact that your ancestors were not among those killing and raping and stealing? Do you have a time machine and a mind reader to know each and every person in your past to prove that nothing bad was done in the history of your family? No, no one does. No one knows the facts of history. Even the written word was biased by the person writing it. Just like today. people write what they see and what they feel. Perhaps facts were misconstrued back in 1492 just as they are today in 2009. No one can be 100% sure who did what in history. None of us were there.

The cold hard truth is that American history is filled with brutal stories of some fact and some exaggeration. We learn from history. We can not damn each person in history without glorifying someone else. If you were to start to pick apart every person from history, no one's hands would be clean. Children even carried guns and fought in the American revolution (and the civil war!). But we've taken some people and created them as "heros" in our history... but not all of them have clean hands. Most of those who are believed to have been strong leaders and the creators of our current America have blood on their hands. Each person who can trace back their life in America comes from that spilled blood. It isn't pretty, but it is who we were and where we come from.

For without people in our history thinking outside of the box and doing things that no one else wanted to do... we would still think the world was flat. We would still be living in caves. We would still be in the dark ages. We would still be living by candle light. We would still be living with disease and famine (oh wait, some of us still are - which is just sad!). We would not have running water, and therefor would still be dumping our pee/poop bowl into the streets, rivers, and oceans. We would be savages still killing in the name of religion (gee, thanks America for breaking off from England so that people could FREELY say how they feel and believe in whatever religion they want to). We would still be the horrible people living on one continent if it were not for people risking their life back then so that we could live here today. Sure he didn't discover America exactly, but without him - NO ONE would have even sailed this way to begin with. FEAR of the unknown could have kept us in the dark far longer than it did... and without all of which those who came before us did - you would NOT be reading this on a computer. You might not be speaking English. You might not even be alive today. So, enjoy the day for what it is - full of HISTORY, the good and the bad.

Happy Columbus Day everyone!

December 21, 2012.

As a major history lover... one story (or truth) that has always haunted me since i was a little kid was that of the Mayan civilization and their prophecies. We recently finished up the chapter of World History in our homeschooling, Incas and Mayans. And now they have a movie coming out soon staring the actor John Cusack (Claire is quite the fan of his work!) if you have not seen the clips from this movie, please check it out by visiting the website here: 2012

here is a website that talks in detail about the theory around the belief in this date being so important. If you are not a scholar and a history lover, it might be hard to get through! fair warning ;-)

To sum up that website:
1. the Earth has several phases, or cycles. 5 cycles to be exact.
2. we are at the end of the last phase that has been written down in the past by the Mayans.
3. there is no set answer as to what will come on December 21, 2012, but the speculation is two things:
a. the Earth as we know it ends or has major issues (as shown in the movie link above)
b. the Earth enters a great time of peace and harmony

The major theory is that we came into this phase long ago and it brought about a great change in who we are as humans. The introduction of time being thought of and broken down into 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, and 24 hours a day. Then the introduction of the Gregorian calendar in 1582. The introduction of the clock with moving parts in 1600. And that advancement growing on up to every gadget that we now use having a clock and/or a calendar in it (computers, cars, phones, cameras, etc). We stopped relying on the human body as our clock and calendar and took the "power" of this knowledge away from nature.

We have been long since growing away from nature and moving into an age of technology. We do not sit down to paint or draw or read and explore that which is inside of us as much as we use to. We read books on kindles, we paint/draw on computers using photoshop and drawing programs, we create works of art on machines more than we do by hand. We can even get our church through the computer. We communicate more with a machine (be it a phone or a computer) than we do as just humans connecting with each other by being there for one another. This has become even more real to me recently than ever before in my life. I thought moving would connect me more with who i wanted to be, more laid back and out there in nature... what i didn't realize that human connections is a large part of HUMAN NATURE.... nature.

We have also lost connecting with the Earth, the place that was given to us to enjoy and live in peace with. We do not sit in awe of it's power like we use to. We have an overgrown plant, we cut it down. We tend to see nature as being in our way and not our friend. Let's tear down that mountain and build a road of convenience so people can get to the beach quicker (yes, this is being done here where we live, it is sad!)

I am not suggesting we all become hippies and live in a Tepee in the jungles of Africa... but the wonders of the world use to be just that, something to sit in awe and wonder about. Now people go, take their families to say they've seen it and move on. And i admit to being guilty of not being in the moment as much as i should. I live through my camera and then i live again on my computer when i get home to go through and edit my photos... but i tend to take myself OUT of the moments because i am behind the buffer of my camera lens. I have been trying to put the camera down more and just be in the moment... i admit it is a work in progress!

i think we all are a work in progress. i do not know many people that aren't tied to their phone, their computer, their ipod, their car, their self. I have no idea if the story (or truth) of the Mayans will prove as fact in the year 2012, on December 21, but there is something to be said for the way that people live their lives today... we all should be more aware and more in the moments of our own lives. It is in fact the moments of OUR life, one day we might just give anything to get these moments back to relive, so LIVE them while you are in them and not be unfocused.

going political for a moment here.

Can you name this man?

Do you care about his cause?

Do you care about freedom?

Would you stand with him or against him?

Would you choose to side with China to repress the people of Tibet?

Tonight i learned (read article here) that our current president cancelled a meeting with him, "to keep China happy..." This really upsets me! For more than just the fact that i still think Obama is an arrogant SOB who acts like he is a hollywood movie star and less and less like a president of the United States of America. Oh no, it's deeper than that. Human rights should never be pushed aside because they "might" (stress that word, might there) help in future talks with the Chinese Communist leader. Presidents meeting with the Dalai Lama in the past have never hurt the talks, why does he seriously think that it will help?

Why aren't more so called celebrities upset and playing their cards to come to the defense of the Buddhist nation of Tibet? Are people really so blinded by Obama's "charm" and ease of speaking skills to make waves with him? Are they afraid they might not get those tickets next time to hear him speak? There is something really wrong with the way celebrities bend to the will of this man and swoon like a schoolgirl for his so called big plans for our country. So far he has done nothing that makes me all warm and fuzzy on the inside. You can point to Bush, Clinton, Bush (1), and on down the line all you want and say, "see... he's better because he isn't them..." But is he really? i mean, really? what has he done to date that is so great for our country? Can you name something above and beyond that he has done (followed through on to the end) that made our country better than we were before he took office... please tell me something life altering that this man has done to win you people over!

I use celebrities as the case maker here because us little people with zero pull way down here at the bottom... we can't even reach the president to have a conversation with him. I'm sure if there was a big enough celebrity calling him up saying, "dude... blowing off the Dalai Lama, that's so not cool - we're pulling our backing of you until you change your ways..." It might make him think twice before choosing Communist China over the repressed Tibet.

I am very interested in Tibet and the entire issues that surround that country. For me, it is like a personal slap in the face that Obama picked China over meeting with the Dalai Lama. He is the first president to do so. Today i am embarrassed for my country that our President did this.

that's my punk ass kid!

I do not know about you guys, but when i was a kid i was unaware of who i was as a person. True enough i still struggle with who exactly i am or want to be in life! But looking back i went through so many phases of me; a total tomboy, a sporty girl, a preppy girl, a hippy girl, a punk girl, a greenpeace girl, and so on. My look changed a lot over the years and sometimes even changed daily depending on which friends i was hanging out with at the time. I changed to suit other people. As an adult i do not over think my clothes or my look. I have learned what looks good on me and that's the best people are going to get. I still struggle with what look i want though. I am part punk, party hippy, part preppy, part SAHM, part everything else. There is a part of me that wants to cut all of my hair off and be a grown up sophisticated lady. There is part of me that wants to put blue streaks in my hair! There is a part of me that wants to grow my hair super long and be a total hippy. But the difference is that i am the one struggling with who i want to be, not because of who others think i should be.

Which brings me to my kid. I wish i had half of her attitude when i was 10! She dresses for her and her alone. I have caught myself saying, "you can not be serious with that outfit?!" and she's like, "what? there's nothing wrong with what i am wearing." Even when i point out the obvious miss-match of colors and the fact that she is wearing knee high socks with shorts - she doesn't care. And truth be told by the end of the day i most often love her outfit. But it's that spunk that she isn't dressing to please anyone but herself is something that took me a long time to get to as a person.

the other day she was wearing my black hoodie, shorty shorts, and a tee-shirt... and she had on these socks that have the toes cut out so you can wear them with flip flops. I thought she looked like a total mess! but she was like, "take my picture... PLEASE! i look so cute in this!" i was hesitant to capture this look on camera... but in the editing i saw what she saw - just my punk kid being who she is best at being, herself.

beauty of the day + lessons in learning the truth about myths

budding beauties

in that which is the beauty of another day, we tend to re-think our transgressions of the days before. We ponder our choices, we glance into the past... viewing with questions, as so bold to wonder, "what if i...?"

So today is one of these days. i sit and i wonder. i wonder and i sit. (all between teaching homeschooling lessons of course!)

Today's lessons were full of history. In our house, we love us some History! Knights and princesses to be exact! We have been studying the time of True Kings and Queens; medieval times and on up to the Renaissance time. Where people were beheaded almost daily, and the crusades were slaughtering every man, woman, and child who didn't accept Jesus as their savior (thank God we've moved past these days!) But it is amazing how much the movies make these times out to be so magical and full of romance... when in reality, it was full of murder and bloodshed. We teach our little girls about the romance of fairy tales and then they dream about a knight so valiant to ride up on his beautiful white horse to save her from the perils of the horrid dragon. But in true history, Knights often "took" women as their own, and very (very) rarely did the beautiful lady find herself living like a magnificent Queen in a big castle. Knights were never a King or even a Prince. They were noblemen from time to time, but we tend to think of the Knight as this wonderful hero. i suppose we can all define a hero in our own ways, but the reality is less romantic than the fairy tale.

It is kind of sad to see the disappointment on a 10 year olds face, when they really start to understand what the world use to be like. It is hard to sugar coat History. No more fairy tales and legends of dragons and knights slaying them to free the beautiful maiden. Although it is good to still bring those stories in to tell during the lessons.

Which brings me back to my sitting and thinking today. Why do we teach the stories that we teach? Why do we tell a young, very impressionable, child about fairy tales and things that are not real. Santa Claus. The Easter Bunny. The tooth Fairy. Etc. We fill their heads up so full of things that are not real, and then one day we just expect them to wake up and understand that all the while... nothing we said was true.

I'm sure this will start a controversy of backlash, but from day 1 we never told Claire that any of that was true. She knew that we were Santa, the Easter bunny, and the whole bunches of other things. She still to this day is full of imagination and she chose to "believe" in it all on her own. Something deep down inside of me felt betrayal (the first of many i am afraid) towards my parents for telling such stories... such lies to me when i was a child. i can still remember the day my older sister told me the truth. i cried. i was more upset and angry at my parents for the lie than i was in finding out that these mythical creatures did not exist. i never wanted my child to feel that sting of truth when she learned that her entire childhood of fantasy was a bold faced lie from those who she trusted the most.

But i too believe in the fairy tale of adventure and spirit of those things which can not be seen. i have been blessed with such an amazing child. She believed without fail in the adventure of fairies, Mermaids, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and all of the rest of them. Without even thinking twice about the truth, she felt that even though she knew the truth - there must be something more to the belief than that which is fact. And i totally love that about her. She has a spirit beyond science, beyond fact and her adventure... is sure to take her places in her life!

following.

Thorns

recently i have grown to feel much like this image. i feel as if i need to protect myself from those who wish to steal the beauty in which i hold dear to me. Not only metaphorically speaking, but truly. i have put myself out there for those who i trusted... i have been burned more times than i wish to count. so today i woke up at 6am and laid there pondering why?

i have a quote on my sticky notes wall "if it doesn't make you happy, then why are you doing it? Who are you doing it for?" i have no idea where i saw the quote because i didn't write that part down (if it was said by you, tell me and i will give you credit).

but this made me think about all of my "social networking" sites that i visit and take part in. does it make me any happier to put up a status update? no. does it make me any happier to see a new person following me on twitter? no. does it make me happier if people i do not know follow my blog? no.

So if not, then why?

i pulled myself out of bed and took a look at my twitter followers. over 300 people. i went through the list, one by one. There were people selling porn - deleted! there were people selling things i didn't want to buy - deleted. there were people who said creepy things and/or looked creepy - deleted! there were bots (look it up if you don't know) - deleted. there were people who were following ONLY me (creepy!!!) - deleted! there were people that just looked like they were up to no good - deleted.

i could go on, but i deleted over 100 people that i didn't want to have follow my every move online. i also recently had been thinking about the kids i grew up with and how i am their friend on FB. i have not seen or heard from many of these people since i was a young child. Good to connect, sure. But i do not honestly know these people. Do i really want them seeing my status updates? Do i want them knowing that i am having a difficult time right now? Do i want them seeing all of the photos i take of my family? Complete strangers knowing my every life move... all because i happened to know them when i was a young child?

We protect what we love. We shelter it, we give it love and we teach ourselves to be cautious of those around us at all times. How do you protect yourself from something you can not see? Do you know how many times a stranger has looked at your photos? Do you set your photos up on FB to be seen ONLY by those you are friends with, friends of friends, or everyone? Do you honestly know all of your friends- friends and trust that they are not scary people who might wish to harm you or your family?

Yesterday i took Claire all alone, just me, to the Farmers Market two towns over. i gave her the "remember to stick with me" speech to which i got a sassy response of "i'm 10... i know!" So that put me into major mom mode and a lecture about the "stranger danger" ensued.

Here, we are all alone. Here, i have no one to call upon if i get into danger or trouble. Here, we are surrounded by hundreds of strangers whenever we go anywhere. Not 1 familiar face in the crowd.

So how do you get to that point of... enough? My life is MY life and not to be shared with the entire world?

i share because i want those that i care about to keep up with us while we are living 3,000 miles away.
i share because i want to not be closed off from the world.
i share because i enjoy sharing.

but i think there is a limit to which we share and who we share with.

stuck

Stuck

what if we do not feel like talking.
what if today, we feel like we look
despite the truth that deep inside
we are fluffy and beautiful
outside we feel like we are ugly.
and so we just want to seek alone time.

what if despite needing to talk
we just do not feel like talking.
lost in our own thoughts
and imaginations
we just want to be left alone.

not out of self pity.
not out of despair.
not out of anger.
just out of necessity.

today was one of those days. i did not feel much like myself. despite having to be thrown in the mix of company. despite having to share my work space, my computer, my normal flow. despite having to be surrounded by talkers... i myself did not feel like talking! it happens. not often. but from time to time, i just want to be alone with my thoughts and let the process of these thoughts take hold and learn from what i am thinking.

on days like today... being alone is not a negative, but a positive. it makes me feel better. it makes me whole again. when i do not get the desired quality of alone time, i tend to get a tad cranky by bed time. so i often go to "bed" early to seek out the alone time i was needing the entire day long.

so good night and sleep well, dream of wonderful places!

things which are missing

i often think about and talk about the things i miss from back home. a person, an item, a place, a scent, a feeling, or even a way of life. the end of september is getting closer and closer. most people probably let the end of september come and go without much thought to it bringing on so much stuff in their life. For me September means so many things. The end of summer, the beginning of my favorite time - fall, The Feast, changing leaves, taking Claire on Pumpkin patch visits with my mom, apple orchards, the smells of fireplaces starting up as the air gets colder, the air getting colder and having that first hint of snow mixed inside of the breeze, carving pumkins, painting pumpkins, cooking pumkin seeds, the taste of pumkin pie (i'm going to totally miss that this year with the new allergy to cinnamon!), and my list could go on and on and on.

The months end will be here before we know it. And with it brings on another choice of WHAT do we do? We aren't quite ready to pack it all up and move back just because we miss a few things. They will always be there for when we do go back. But we are not financially able to continue on this path without jobs. i've had no luck. Michael has had no luck. we are almost to the point of living in the streets. this fact scares me to the core.

Michael quite literally lucked into taking a class for FREE (the kind people pay $2,000 a class for!). We are hoping that this will help in landing him a job once he passes the test that goes along with the course. The sad, scary, news is that everyone (but 2) in his class are unemployed. One guy (who is employed) mentioned that his company put up a job on Monster last week and they had over 300 people apply already. It was a low paying position that was only going to last for 3 months and they had CEO's and Presidents of former companies applying. It doesn't seem like it at times, but it truly is just that bad out there when you really need a job.

If we moved home next week, we would not have enough money to pay a down deposit to even rent a place. If we stay here and still are unable to find work, the money will only last until the end of October. In that case, we have no money to move back home with... and we can not even pay the breaking the lease fee. Quite literally we would be out on our butts.

The cold hard facts panic me, but then i think of how there are people who are already on the streets. i at least still have a short time before i am in that position. i pray for those who couldn't make it work, and i pray that we do not end up in that same situation. i think about people who have been seeing harder times for longer than we have and i pray that they find a way out too.

sometimes the panic turns to anger which quickly turns to tears because i feel guilty for feeling like i feel. i'm not alone so i feel bad for thinking of only how we are dealing with all of this. the husband keeps saying "charity starts at home..." and reminds me when i give $1.00 to the ladies sitting outside the stores collecting money... but i can't help myself. i know, i'm a sucker! but even if i were laying in a gutter, i would still give someone else my last penny. but alas, i am almost in this imaginary gutter... so perhaps he is right, maybe i should stop being so giving and protect what is mine? i still like to think i am right ;-)

on a much brighter note, it is raining outside! i have not seen the rain since July. You do not realize that you truly can miss something so much until you no longer have it in your life. Claire and i ran downstairs, and i'm sure looked like total idiots to the neighbors, but we danced in the rain for a bit. it's times like that, i truly just miss home.

reflection.

on the line

hearing things that are said, you must listen to all that is said.
reading things that are said, you must read all that is being said.

often in life you see and hear what you want to and then either take the defensive or you join the side because you heard what you wanted to hear and dismissed the rest. Obama gave a lot of people this HOPE that he would change their lives if you voted for him. i know many people who voted for him, they were Republican, they put their faith of their beliefs on the line and they voted for him. They now regret their vote. They see the exact same things that he said before and they disagree and find it hard to believe they felt, believed, and did what they did and said all that they said just 1 year ago.

when i was 17 i believed that i should get in people's faces and protest against animal killers. i was part of greenpeace. i handed out flyers against whaling, chicken saluter houses, etc. i argued with people who didn't believe the same thing i was thinking about how it was wrong to kill an animal and eat the meat. when i was 20 i married a meat eating man. Did i lose my feelings on eating meat? no. but i didn't shout as hard. i stood firmly to what i believe for my own life, still to this day. Animals are beautiful creatures that should be allowed to live, not be killed and processed for human consumption. This is my opinion (a word that some need to look up and define, here i did it for you - "1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.") i have a 10 year old daughter who on occasion eats meat. She is free to live her life and choose her own path on this issue. There are other issues that i feel just as strongly about, like alcohol, and on this i will not bend for her. My convictions on drinking have changed over the years. Will they perhaps one day down the road change back? doubtful. but as with anything in life, we all are given FREE WILL by God to live our life as we so choose. even if we change our minds.

So (anonymous comment person) before you send out all of that hate in a comment to me for saying an opinion (i refer you back to that definition), think about the fact that you are angry because you hold a different opinion... neither person is right. i do not say i am right, i say how i feel. You are more than free to disagree, just don't expect to change my mind today.

perception.

be free

a mountain from a distance appears big and beautiful and majestic.
a mountain while you are standing in the middle of it, seems like plain rocks and being in the middle of nowhere too special.
a mountain from the top peak, seems like you are on top of the world and the view is breath taking.

a Monet painting from far away looks amazing.
a Monet painting from right on top of it looks like a mess of colors!

from the distance of living in the mid-west, California also looked like this amazing dream land of where all dreams come true.
close up, it is just life. same as the mid-west, only a different zip code and the weather is much nicer in the winter.

sometimes my perception of life, and most often of people, is a bit out of focus. I often times think very highly of people who i shouldn't. and i think nothing of people who i should be thinking an awful lot more of. it is strange how there are times when even the tiniest little thing can change the way we perceive things. my perception of many people has changed in the last 6 months. some for the better, some for the worst. i wish i could go back to my thinking of some people before i lost all hope and desire to even know them in my life... but often times you just can't go back. It isn't a forgiveness issue or that they have done something so drastic to make you hate them... more often it is just because of a change in perception. sometimes you just change who you are so your views on issues change so your previous views do not line up anymore to be part of their life.

i probably stopped making sense 2 sentences ago. point is, we grow... we change... we move on. i think its time i moved on from many things/people that i use to admire in some small way. and i think it is time i give other people the attention that they deserve.

perception is a very funny thing.

write me a letter, send it by postman

it strikes me as odd that people do not write from the heart as they use to long ago. once upon a time is not how stories begin anymore. fairy tales are something we tell our very young, and as they grow up into adolescents we tell them that there is no such thing as real fairy tales... that girls don't really get to marry a prince, or kiss the frog that turns into the handsome prince. we then grow up and lose sight of such writings and begin to read about the horrors on the daily news websites. we also no longer sit down and write letters to the people that we love. we are even known to leave messages for our significant others on facebook/twitter/blog and call that communication in the form of a message.

there was a time when you did not announce your private love and affection for your significant other in the public like we do today. it was something you might speak of to a dear friend, but you did not openly write your love for your husband/wife/other on a street wall or post it in the local newspaper. the thought that people do this now on public forums like facebook/twitter/blogs makes me roll my eyes and laugh at the childish appearance of such an act.

i guess what i am getting at is this... is your love there for the public... or for you? would you think to write your lover a long note to display your admiration for them? or is a message of "your hot and i love you!" on their facebook/twitter/blog page how you express your love. is this what our world is coming to? the loss of an art form perfected so many years ago... the love letter!

***
they use to know how to write... they use to know how to love... i think maybe this is why the divorce rate is so high. people have forgotten how to show love... deep love.

My dearest Girl,
This moment I have set myself to copy some verses out fair. I cannot proceed with any degree of content. I must write you a line or two and see if that will assist in dismissing you from my Mind for ever so short a time. Upon my Soul I can think of nothing else - The time is passed when I had power to advise and warn you again[s]t the unpromising morning of my Life - My love has made me selfish. I cannot exist without you - I am forgetful of every thing but seeing you again - my Life seems to stop there - I see no further. You have absorb'd me. I have a sensation at the present moment as though I was dissolving - I should be exquisitely miserable without the hope of soon seeing you. I should be afraid to separate myself far from you. My sweet Fanny, will your heart never change? My love, will it? I have no limit now to my love - You note came in just here - I cannot be happier away from you - 'T is richer than an Argosy of Pearles. Do not threat me even in jest. I have been astonished that Men could die Martyrs for religion - I have shudder'd at it - I shudder no more - I could be martyr'd for my Religion - Love is my religion - I could die for that - I could die for you. My Creed is Love and you are its only tenet - You have ravish'd me away by a Power I cannot resist: and yet I could resist till I saw you; and even since I have seen you I have endeavoured often "to reason against the reasons of my Love." I can do that no more - the pain would be too great - My Love is selfish - I cannot breathe without you.

Yours for ever,
John Keats

needs . daily life

i feel so full of desire these days.
i need to day dream more.
i need to say, that's Ok for today...
and mean it!

i need some real connections
i need the whole story,
i need to listen to you.
feel what you are saying is real.

i need to good times. i need people laughing all around me.
i need to get moving... get out the door and go!

i need to be inspired by something great.
i need to take it all in, feel it, be it.

i need to make a change that sits right in the pit of my stomach,
and not just go with the flow.

i need to send out love and get it back. i need to stop sending out love that never comes back.
i need to be sure i commit to telling people i know that i love them, when i do love them.

i need to to see the great big picture before i jump again.

i need to find a way back to who i use to be. i need to keep
Claire on the path of were she wants to be, and not where
people are telling her to be.

i need all of my problems to magically be fixed by something great and wonderful.

what i really need is love... because in the end, love conquers all.

dreams.

most of the time you're just looking for something magical in your dreams...

Dreams are funny things. You dream about people you don't know, may never know, currently know, or that you might have known in the past. People bring out different emotions in us... And when you dream about them... the next day, you can't shake that feeling of how they made you feel. Be if real, be it dream; be it good or bad. Your mind can not help but feel what it feels, and so you are stuck with these left over emotions from a dream to deal with all day long. Although, I do not mind the good ones!

making a wish.

Bubbles

How many ways do you know to make a wish?
1. a shooting star
2. clock time 11:11
3. a lost eye lash
4. birthday candles
5. a dandelion
6. throwing a coin in a well/fountain
7. turning a necklace clasp
8. the FIRST star you see
9. the wishbone on the thanksgiving turkey
10. ?

i'm adding a new one.... blowing bubbles! Why not? they're beautiful and simple. they magically float through the air like a dream. they should be more magical, right?

so, if a bubble lands on you and pops... make a wish!

a true classic, IMHO.

Hands Across the Table, 1935

i love this movie. somewhere in a box, waiting to be unpacked, i own this movie on VHS. (if you ever find a copy on DVD, snag it for me will ya?)

Classic girl meats boy, falls in love with boy... but boy is poor and jobless. i kind of feel like i should unpack this movie and watch it. i recall many late night study sessions in college watching AMC (back when they actually use to play classic's - you know, really great OLD black and white movies!) this movie came on AMC about once a month and i found an old copy on VHS one year... it was a present to myself for all of my hard work. Although i can not recall what the hard work was that deserved a movie, but it must have been something special because i truly love this movie.

a couple of quotes from the movie that i love;

Regi: You must have a lot of friends that could give you a job.
Ted Drew: That'd be a fine friend who'd give you a job. No friend of mine had better try anything like that on me.
---
Regi: Do you dream?
Ted Drew: No.
Regi: You should - you'd meet a better class of people
---
Laura: Yeah, and maybe here's that ten million dollars you've been dreaming about.
Regi: The way I feel today, I'd settle for a million.

Carole Lombard had this way about presenting herself on screen. i wish i had half of that talent to present myself really well.

they do not make movies like this anymore. i love old classic movies. life seemed so much more simple back then. sure it was hard. but life is hard no matter what time zone or time period you are living in. a time when a person could get a job at the newspaper without having 10 degrees to back up their working knowledge of how the paper worked. a time when you could let your kid play in the street without fear of being snatched by someone. a time when you knew your neighbors and they knew you and you could depend on them for even something as small as a cup of sugar. times aren't how they use to be in the movies that i love watching. life flies by at a million 140 character twitter updates per second. if you blink you just missed a million people updating their status online and a world of knowledge that you probably didn't even need to know about complete strangers.

speaking of, i'm giving up my twitter for 1 week (or longer if i can stand it). its going to be a rough week. i lived for years without twitter and needing to know that someone that is a complete stranger to me is brushing their teeth while they pee. yeah, twitter has some odd updates. i'll miss @badbanana and @sween and the comical side of twitter that sometimes made me laugh just when i needed it. but right now i have some hard choices to make in my life and i need less distractions keeping me from staying focused. you will be missed my good friend twitter.

ok, i'm off to be the choice maker of the family!

riding along, clueless, in the sunshine.

Skate

at some point in life, probably when we feel like it's almost a little too late, we see ourselves for who we really are in life. we notice all of the things that we love and we ignore all of the little things that might have use to matter to us. we stop taking for granted the things that should be noticed. we find out all of the things that make us different than everyone else, and we embellish those traits for the bettering of not only our life but if we are lucky enough, for bettering the life of someone we love.

although the bees are still attacking my window today, so the breeze that i long for isn't flowing next to me as i write, sparking my desire to really write... i feel that i need that kind of an awakening inside of me. i need to stop writing in fear of the who might be reading. i need to open up my blog for the world to see and you can take me for who i am... the good, the bad, and the often ugly!

i realized that i write better when the air is fresh, clean, and blowing freely around me. i use to find this time in the car. you see i had this amazing peaceful alone time for at least 45 minutes a day when i would wait in my car for Claire to be done with school. it wasn't a momentous time, but it was all mine. i miss that free time. but it is time to realize that those times are gone. we live here now. i have no true alone time in our tiny apartment, and i need to adapt. this is me adapting. watch out world!

who's your cheering team?

i friend recently said to me, "... I do think sometimes you have the wrong impression of me and what my life is like, like i am this cheerleader with a crew or like the leader of the Pink ladies."

it's funny because i see everyone as cooler than me! you could be the biggest dork and i still will think you are cooler than me. i do not self-promote myself. i am positive about who i am and what i do. but i never think i am great... always room for improvement. i often compliment and pump up those around me. not only because they deserve it but because i think everyone is pretty darn cool... except for me. lol its hard to put into words. i've always been this way. i am not depressive or down on myself... but i refuse to see myself for anything but what is there on the surface. just average, ordinary, me.

i do not have a posse (wow, yes i just said posse!). i do not have a strong backing of support behind me on any given day. my biggest fan is my 10 year old daughter; and i'm lucky if she understands half of what i am saying each day in my adult world. most often i am complaining about how much i hate CSS code or some goof on twitter being stupid or something on the news that is frustrating me. i do not expect a cheering team in my life. sometimes i do wish hubby was more of the "go team go" kind of guy, but its like that saying - you can't teach an old dog new tricks - yep, you can't really teach a hubby of 14 years how to be different either. as for the family, i gave up on having them in my corner years ago! i'm lucky if they don't put me down in any given conversation. So i am my own pink ladies group, except its the "blue ladies" because i can't stand pink! lol and since i refuse to pat my own back, there isn't much of a moral boosting session going on except on paper from time to time. yes, i'm lame. i write "i *heart* you" on paper just so i know that i love myself sometimes. hey, someone's gotta pump me up while i'm writing! ;-)

just so you know... i support all of YOU! whatever you think you can do, i know you can do it and i am always here for all of you!

a breath of fresh Smog.

Smog

you know the kind of air you can taste? like when you walk past some place baking fresh bread and you can almost feel the taste of the bread in your mouth... that's how i would describe the thick smog. Only it doesn't taste like yummy fresh bread. it feels like your mouth is sitting inside of a bowl of sand and no matter how much you drink your mouth can't escape that feeling of grit. It's bad out today, i can not breathe as easily as i did yesterday and my sinus' are a not making my head hurt any less. this is the first day you look outside our window and it is almost as if there are no hills at all. they've almost been erased by the smog.

i hate smog. but at least the sun is still shining through the thickness of the air today!

choices that are worth more.

if we had not moved, Claire would be starting 5th grade back in the mid-west with all of her friends. She is currently still in bed and i do not want to wake her up. I know it is going to be a long and sad day for her today. It had not really hit her or effected her that we moved far away from her known world. She spoke daily, and for hours and hours at a time on the phone with her friends back home. Today will be the first true test of her not being able to reach out to her friends whenever she feels like it throughout the day and evening. Due to the 3 hour time difference she can't call them at 9pm because it is midnight there. Now that they all have an early bed time for school, she won't be able to call past 5 pm our time. that is like forever in 10 year old world... that time from 5-9 pm!

We all voted "yes" as a family (i was the only one left on the "no/maybe" side, so i changed to yes) to move to California. And on many levels it has been an amazing choice for her life experiences. i think today is just one of those days that i feel sad for a choice made that strongly effects my child.

pet peeves were never meant to be pets.

my scribbles

peeve (pv)
tr.v. peeved, peev·ing, peeves

To cause to be annoyed or resentful. See Synonyms at annoy.

1. A vexation; a grievance.

2. A resentful mood: in a peeve about the delays.

to irritate or annoy: the way he looked at her peeved her

Today i am realizing a new peeve of mine... the miss-use of simple words online. i would never pass myself off as an English scholar or someone who has perfect spelling and grammar. i do not like to capitalize my "i" when i type, so i should really be the last person to have such a complaint... but here it is just the same.

Write:

i like to write. it is not right, nor is it wright.

Too:

i like this too! it is not to, nor is it two.

They're

They're sitting over by me. it is not there, nor is it their.

Do you see the pattern?

Yes, it is easy to mistake some uses of words. to be perfectly honest, "who or whom" has always confused me just a bit.

So please, i implore you to take a second when you are typing up your tweets, your status updates, and your messages to me... take this moment to reflect on your spelling of words. After all, we are only our words online. What you see is what you get in this world of first impressions.

thank you in advance!