love always.

how true is this tag?!

we often push people away

just when we need them the most
and we tend to get offended when we are pushed away
so we forget to give those who are pushing,
love...
when they need it the most.

Sending lots of love out to everyone who is reading.
be who you are, because who you are, is loved!
xoxo

love is in the air.

sometimes in the mix of battle,

the battle of just everyday life stuff,
we forget to show love to those who are there for us.

Go on, shower someone with love today.
someone that doesn't get to hear it too often,
but should hear it from time to time.

i really like birds, but only in drawings

today is still full of yesterdays problems and wonderings,
but tomorrow is still a day ahead of today
and a happy change is sure to come our way!

what you don't say can say it all...

There are times when i think that i talk too much. i admit, i have been known to hog the conversation! But there are those rare times when i just have nothing to say to a person. Not out of spite or anger, but out of running out of things i feel that need to be said to a particular person. More and more recently i am feeling this way towards more and more people. It isn't that i do not want to talk to people, i just feel like i have nothing i want to say to them. I seem to have become more guarded in my life and the things that are going on in it. I feel like people will judge everything i say and not just let me talk for the sake of talking about how life is effecting me at the moment. Sometimes things are better just kept to yourself and not shared for the sake of sharing to vent or think out loud.

There are also times when something has been said and needs to be addressed. These are the times i hate the most. You know you've crossed a line or said something that maybe should have just been kept to yourself. Do you speak up to clear the air? do you wait for the other person to speak up? Do you just sweep it under the rug and move on? Do you say screw it and walk away completely from the person and the situation? So many times i take the higher road and i am the one to go to the person, break the tension, say i am sorry - even if it wasn't my fault. There have only been a few times in my life where i felt like nothing good could come from a conversation and i walked away never to look back. Sometimes you just have to do that though for the sake of keeping your own wits about you.

There are times when i need to say thank you in a bigger way, but i can't seem to find a good enough way to say it and then the opportunity passes... and keeps passing me by. i look back and realized that i never said a proper thank you for something. Be it a gift, a condolence, a dinner being purchased, or other. sometimes saying "thank you" doesn't quite seem enough.

i have noticed my silence becoming more random recently. i've been trying to give up my use of twitter... and in doing so i have only been posting music and craft tips and random things here and there. i was just looking at my recent tweets - they look like that of a crazy person because there is no rhyme or reason to anything i am saying! But then again, twitter is pure chaos in a pretty package!

but i do not think people need to hear for the 100th time that i still have no job. i do not think that people care to see a million more photos on Facebook of our life out here. i do not think there is much to say to people who are essentially complete strangers to me in my life. Those who i once considered close have mostly drifted away over the last few years. i've been keeping more to myself and my family and sharing less with those who i did consider close to begin with... and now the sharing seems, well... quite lame and almost strange at times. They call it "social media" because you are to use these tools to socialize with people you know or want to know or have something in common with. At the moment, i don't feel like i have much in common with a whole lot of people! i feel rather isolated way over here in California.

On a good day i am lucky to not feel like crying when i go to bed... but that isn't something people care to really know. People enjoy the happy. They want to see pretty flowers, beaches, and wonderful things... and less reading about the emotions of that which is real life. And i do not blame people for wanting less crap to deal with. Who needs another friend with problems? who wants to take on caring about someone other than themselves? Who has time to be a real friend these days... you know the kind who is willing to set aside actual time to notice and care. We're all guilty of it... we all have friends who have too much going on in their life so we back away slowly so we do not have to deal with their stuff along with our own stuff. The measure of a true friend is the person who sticks around through the good and the bad times.

i have yet to meet one of those yet in my life. maybe one day. but for now i will stick with my wonderful family here for support and love. after all, i do love my kid the most of all!

magical places become routine.

i found this image the other day. At first i didn't think much about it and then i came across it again and then again. each time i glanced at the sentence and i thought about it slightly... i didn't want to read it and think about it because i knew exactly what it was saying.

i use to stay up late and get up early. i did not require too much sleep. i still lay in bed just glaring into the dark room each night. i wake up early but i do not get up. sometimes i am sleeping and sometimes i am just laying there with my eyes closed thinking.

i have never been afraid of life or afraid to live the life in front of me. but there is something about this place that i find distracting and almost discouraging. i WANT to get out there and live it up! but everywhere you go there are masses of people... complete strangers. it doesn't matter what time of the day, it is busy all of the time, everywhere that you go. i am not afraid of a person, but i do fear the unknown of the masses. 1 person, i can feel out the situation and deem the person as safe/unsafe to be around for too long. Sure you never fully know, but i've learned to go with my gut feelings. But when you go to a simple place like a park and there are hundreds of strangers all around you... most are not even speaking my language when i pass by them... this feeling becomes overwhelming at best. i am not one to panic and run away and hide... but i have found myself wanting to go out alone less and less.

i have noticed that do not want to go out unless everyone is with me. i think this is because when i am left alone i tend to attract people, strangers, who want to come up and talk to me. it keeps happening to me and my comfort zone has went from OK to not OK pretty quickly. Since i have less of a desire to go out, i have become bored with the inside of this apartment and the things that i do on a daily basis. Baking a cake doesn't seem like enough. Painting doesn't seem like enough. Photography doesn't seem like enough. so i have noticed that i tend to go to bed earlier than i use to and i want to stay in bed longer than i use to.

there is a deep desire inside of me to move back home. is having the things that we have here in Cali really worth it if you do not experience them? does just the fact that they are out there enough to be happy? i have no easy answers for my feelings today. i only know this; everything is magical until it becomes routine.

sharing is good.

Today i bring you finds with the topic of rain...

a simple umbrella

tea cups

epic

romantic
day dreaming
classic
my truths
simplicity
beauty
a girl in the rain

we often put away the camera when it rains... but the truth is, some of the most magical of images can be taken during a rain storm or even just a light drizzle. I bring you these photos because i miss the rain almost every day of the week! the image labeled "My truths" is because that speaks volumes about how i feel. You never know what you are missing until it is taken away for such a long time! Go, DANCE in the rain today... and photograph it!

beauty is skin deep or photoshop can help create it!

i realize i have already covered this subject recently, but when i saw this video i couldn't resist posting it! every girl (and guys for that matter) should see this video and see what the end photo looks like vs. the ordinary girl at the beginning.

i have so many people in my life that i think are beautiful on the outside but fall short of being a beautiful person because of the way they treat people. imagine if we wore our inner beauty on the outside for all to see. Confidence is a big start in that beauty being seen. Some of the nicest, most beautiful people i know are far from ugly (but aren't super models either)... but i almost did not know them because they were shy and didn't even try to put themselves out there. They seemed awkward and i almost didn't even notice them because they looked just average on the surface. Once i got to know them i realized that they were amazing! Sometimes we only see what is there for us to see, which is a major fault of human nature.

i've noticed Claire paying more attention to magazines and what people look like. i have always been open with her about my working in photoshop for a career (which i am happily no longer doing!). She has seen the original photos and then what happens with each stage and the end product. i've had clients who were losing their hair and i added hair to make them look like they were not going bald. i've had clients request that they have no wrinkles on their CD covers, so i edit them out. i've had clients with a pimple or a missed stubble hair during their morning shave, each item was edited out until the final image looked like a perfect person. So for me it is easy to show her and tell her that people in magazines are not always what they appear to be. She gets it, but i think deep down she still wonders if she measures up... or if she would need some major tweaking if she was a model. (which is a dream career for her, sadly i can't convince her otherwise!)

i wish there wasn't a beauty ruler in life... but we are all seen on levels of attraction. Be it what we see on the outside, or what we show from our insides. If you are an ugly person on the outside, you can still shine and become beautiful with how you treat people. But if you are beautiful on the outside and take that opportunity to manipulate people and use people for what you want... it makes you just as "ugly" as the person with flaws on the outside. One day people will wake up and realize who/what you are if you are a mean person... despite how you look on the outside.

to quote someone's blog i recently had the honor of reading...
"Many times we don't give people a chance
simply because their outer appearance doesn't fancy us
or the first impression wasn't "lovely"
or we just don't like "their type".
Understandable...because that's our human nature.
But as Christians God persuades us to have control
over our nature. Because if we let it dominate
in our life we will quickly find ourselves
headed in a downward direction."

so today i am setting a goal to do my best never to judge on a first impression again.

sharing.

i have a habit of going to websites that host photos (other than flickr) and just looking through all of the photos to see the creative side of people. One thing that i love the most is old school thinking. Polaroid. We use to do this with photoshop, take an image holding a polaroid in your hand and then take another image and edit it into that Polaroid slot to express something. Now that they have made the choice to never make instant polaroid film anymore... which makes me rather sad to see an end of a photography era... the only real way to create images using polaroid is with this photoshop method. if you do not work with photoshop i have probably lost you, point is here are some Polaroid images that i found unique and i wanted to share them.

for the love of Kate

Kate Nash - Navy Taxi
There happen to be 3 artists that i think capture the things i would like to say and put it to music. Sometimes they say it exactly how i want it to be said, and some times it is just close enough. Kate Nash is one of those artists. And Navy Taxi reminds me the way i feel when i am running late. Mostly because i can not stand when people are habitually late, so when i myself am late for something i feel like an ass and i feel like the person who i have left waiting should say to me the second i walk through the door, "hey you suck, you're late and made me wait..."

But then i realize that we all have days where we are running late. We all have our little mishaps, missteps and things that make us go off course... and it is our life, so people should over look it once in awhile.

More and more recently i am realizing that this life is my life. And although i do not plan on being a shitty person and walking all over people - it is however time for me to make a stand and say, "this is my life..." and make myself be the top priority in who i am.


Rain spat in my face, thanks a lot mate
And I lost a tenner on the way
Thinking about it, did I spend it last night
When I was drunk and I wanted to get more drunk

Missed the train, thanks a lot mate
I didn't want to be late today, cause I'm always late
And I really hate always being late
And now the other train is delayed... great.

Carrying bags and a navy taxi man said
"Take your time love
'Cause you don't have to rush
'Cause it's your life and it's no one else's, sweetheart
Don't let someone put you in a box."

So I take all that other stuff that I said before
And I'm gonna make it work
'Cause I'm losing my mind and it's driving me up the wall

So I tried to help you carry your shopping
But I wasn't concentrating, I was talking
And I got it caught on the side of this thing and it split
And I'd try to help you walk along but I'd probably end up pushing you over
But don't worry, I'll never let you fall

And I'm stubborn and I shout and I'll cut you out
And I'll make you feel like I never wanted to make you feel

And I'm stubborn and I shout and I'll cut you out
And I'll make you feel like I never wanted to make you feel

Carrying bags and a navy taxi man said
"Take your time love
'Cause you don't have to rush
'Cause it's your life and it's no one else's, sweetheart.
Don't let someone put you in a box."

So I take all that other stuff that I said before
And I'm gonna make it work
Because I'm losing my mind and it's driving me up the wall
And this time, it will be different,
This time, it will be different

passion.

Passion

it often occurs to me that i have a lot of passion. Sometimes this is a good thing because i am in it to win it! but there are times when i let my emotions control the events. Be it happy, sad, angry, desperate... emotions are hard for me to keep in check.

When i become passionate against something (or someone), i most often stick to my beliefs. Harming not only myself, but those around me. There have been many times when this effected me deeply and changed my life forever. i am often left to wonder what would have come about if i had not let my passion take over and be the moment... instead of just living in the moment and letting it flow as it should.

i created this rock as a reminder of my passion being something i need to keep in check. it isn't easy, and one day i hope that i can have more control over this emotion so i can think before i act... or speak.

i placed the rock in an area of burnt trees along my path today; this represents how i most often feel after i allow passion about a situation to take place... i feel like i am this rock full of passion, and all around me is the destruction of those who i have hurt.

thoughts of today

* mystified by you *
why are you so nice
why are you so vile
you love me, adore me
then you take advantage... of me

i wish my smile was enough for this
i wish you could figure me out
i wish i could figure you out
i wish you'd never forget... me

when i say this
it is without you
before you, i knew not of you
slowly i already have forgotten... you

miss me if you want to
i will not be there for you
give me a call if you want to
i will not answer for... you

no more... for you
nothing else is for you
forget that i ever knew you
like you've forgotten... me.

***
i find life most interesting these days.
the distance from me to everyone that i use to know.
i use to enjoy seeing so many people.
i think distance brings out the people you never knew would be there for you,
and it shows you the people who you didn't realize would drop you.

**
i use to write for the sake of writing.
i would see something, someone, anything at all...
and i would write about it (like above)
i stopped because people thought everything was about ME.
guess what, not everything is about you and certainly not everything is about me.

*
selfish thoughts of today -
1. i wish i had loads of money to buy music. i miss buying music the most.
2. i wish i had a maid. i've never had one, but i think i'd enjoy having one.
3. i wish i had money to just go, be where i wanted to be.
4. i wish Michael could get a job, not only for money but because sometimes i need SPACE!
5. i wish i could bring my car back to me, tomorrow.

Columbus Day.

Do you know who did what and when they did it back in 1492?

Can you say exactly at what moment in history they threw someone off the boat for mutiny, or if they even did it?
Do you know for certain that Columbus held a knife to an innocent person and then killed them in cold blood?

As a history lover, once again i am mystified by the way people trash history and either glorify or damn someone for something we have no proof of in the past. i keep seeing people tweeting things like, "why do we celebrate a person who slaughtered millions of natives? it's wrong!" Perhaps there was blood shed by Columbus himself, but do we have a bloody knife with his fingerprints on it saying, see here is our proof? No, there is no hard evidence. We know that his group did indeed kill natives on their journeys. But we do not know if it was done because of fighting (an attack brought on by either side), or killing of innocent people for no reason other than to just kill them.

Perhaps his crew was killing in his name or the name of the King or perhaps the name of someone else. But if you are going to damn someone in history for having blood spilled in his name, then your biggest person to look at for that would be Jesus. The crusades alone would have millions killed all in the name of Jesus and spreading his name, forcing people to believe that he was their savior and their God. We still have people killing in the name of God, but that doesn't stop us from celebrating the good that came from these beliefs. The past was full of murderous killings, all in the name of someone else.

It baffles me that people neglect to recognize the history of our world because of the violence. In 1492, the world was full of disease, murder and rape. Do you know for a fact that your ancestors were not among those killing and raping and stealing? Do you have a time machine and a mind reader to know each and every person in your past to prove that nothing bad was done in the history of your family? No, no one does. No one knows the facts of history. Even the written word was biased by the person writing it. Just like today. people write what they see and what they feel. Perhaps facts were misconstrued back in 1492 just as they are today in 2009. No one can be 100% sure who did what in history. None of us were there.

The cold hard truth is that American history is filled with brutal stories of some fact and some exaggeration. We learn from history. We can not damn each person in history without glorifying someone else. If you were to start to pick apart every person from history, no one's hands would be clean. Children even carried guns and fought in the American revolution (and the civil war!). But we've taken some people and created them as "heros" in our history... but not all of them have clean hands. Most of those who are believed to have been strong leaders and the creators of our current America have blood on their hands. Each person who can trace back their life in America comes from that spilled blood. It isn't pretty, but it is who we were and where we come from.

For without people in our history thinking outside of the box and doing things that no one else wanted to do... we would still think the world was flat. We would still be living in caves. We would still be in the dark ages. We would still be living by candle light. We would still be living with disease and famine (oh wait, some of us still are - which is just sad!). We would not have running water, and therefor would still be dumping our pee/poop bowl into the streets, rivers, and oceans. We would be savages still killing in the name of religion (gee, thanks America for breaking off from England so that people could FREELY say how they feel and believe in whatever religion they want to). We would still be the horrible people living on one continent if it were not for people risking their life back then so that we could live here today. Sure he didn't discover America exactly, but without him - NO ONE would have even sailed this way to begin with. FEAR of the unknown could have kept us in the dark far longer than it did... and without all of which those who came before us did - you would NOT be reading this on a computer. You might not be speaking English. You might not even be alive today. So, enjoy the day for what it is - full of HISTORY, the good and the bad.

Happy Columbus Day everyone!

December 21, 2012.

As a major history lover... one story (or truth) that has always haunted me since i was a little kid was that of the Mayan civilization and their prophecies. We recently finished up the chapter of World History in our homeschooling, Incas and Mayans. And now they have a movie coming out soon staring the actor John Cusack (Claire is quite the fan of his work!) if you have not seen the clips from this movie, please check it out by visiting the website here: 2012

here is a website that talks in detail about the theory around the belief in this date being so important. If you are not a scholar and a history lover, it might be hard to get through! fair warning ;-)

To sum up that website:
1. the Earth has several phases, or cycles. 5 cycles to be exact.
2. we are at the end of the last phase that has been written down in the past by the Mayans.
3. there is no set answer as to what will come on December 21, 2012, but the speculation is two things:
a. the Earth as we know it ends or has major issues (as shown in the movie link above)
b. the Earth enters a great time of peace and harmony

The major theory is that we came into this phase long ago and it brought about a great change in who we are as humans. The introduction of time being thought of and broken down into 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, and 24 hours a day. Then the introduction of the Gregorian calendar in 1582. The introduction of the clock with moving parts in 1600. And that advancement growing on up to every gadget that we now use having a clock and/or a calendar in it (computers, cars, phones, cameras, etc). We stopped relying on the human body as our clock and calendar and took the "power" of this knowledge away from nature.

We have been long since growing away from nature and moving into an age of technology. We do not sit down to paint or draw or read and explore that which is inside of us as much as we use to. We read books on kindles, we paint/draw on computers using photoshop and drawing programs, we create works of art on machines more than we do by hand. We can even get our church through the computer. We communicate more with a machine (be it a phone or a computer) than we do as just humans connecting with each other by being there for one another. This has become even more real to me recently than ever before in my life. I thought moving would connect me more with who i wanted to be, more laid back and out there in nature... what i didn't realize that human connections is a large part of HUMAN NATURE.... nature.

We have also lost connecting with the Earth, the place that was given to us to enjoy and live in peace with. We do not sit in awe of it's power like we use to. We have an overgrown plant, we cut it down. We tend to see nature as being in our way and not our friend. Let's tear down that mountain and build a road of convenience so people can get to the beach quicker (yes, this is being done here where we live, it is sad!)

I am not suggesting we all become hippies and live in a Tepee in the jungles of Africa... but the wonders of the world use to be just that, something to sit in awe and wonder about. Now people go, take their families to say they've seen it and move on. And i admit to being guilty of not being in the moment as much as i should. I live through my camera and then i live again on my computer when i get home to go through and edit my photos... but i tend to take myself OUT of the moments because i am behind the buffer of my camera lens. I have been trying to put the camera down more and just be in the moment... i admit it is a work in progress!

i think we all are a work in progress. i do not know many people that aren't tied to their phone, their computer, their ipod, their car, their self. I have no idea if the story (or truth) of the Mayans will prove as fact in the year 2012, on December 21, but there is something to be said for the way that people live their lives today... we all should be more aware and more in the moments of our own lives. It is in fact the moments of OUR life, one day we might just give anything to get these moments back to relive, so LIVE them while you are in them and not be unfocused.

going political for a moment here.

Can you name this man?

Do you care about his cause?

Do you care about freedom?

Would you stand with him or against him?

Would you choose to side with China to repress the people of Tibet?

Tonight i learned (read article here) that our current president cancelled a meeting with him, "to keep China happy..." This really upsets me! For more than just the fact that i still think Obama is an arrogant SOB who acts like he is a hollywood movie star and less and less like a president of the United States of America. Oh no, it's deeper than that. Human rights should never be pushed aside because they "might" (stress that word, might there) help in future talks with the Chinese Communist leader. Presidents meeting with the Dalai Lama in the past have never hurt the talks, why does he seriously think that it will help?

Why aren't more so called celebrities upset and playing their cards to come to the defense of the Buddhist nation of Tibet? Are people really so blinded by Obama's "charm" and ease of speaking skills to make waves with him? Are they afraid they might not get those tickets next time to hear him speak? There is something really wrong with the way celebrities bend to the will of this man and swoon like a schoolgirl for his so called big plans for our country. So far he has done nothing that makes me all warm and fuzzy on the inside. You can point to Bush, Clinton, Bush (1), and on down the line all you want and say, "see... he's better because he isn't them..." But is he really? i mean, really? what has he done to date that is so great for our country? Can you name something above and beyond that he has done (followed through on to the end) that made our country better than we were before he took office... please tell me something life altering that this man has done to win you people over!

I use celebrities as the case maker here because us little people with zero pull way down here at the bottom... we can't even reach the president to have a conversation with him. I'm sure if there was a big enough celebrity calling him up saying, "dude... blowing off the Dalai Lama, that's so not cool - we're pulling our backing of you until you change your ways..." It might make him think twice before choosing Communist China over the repressed Tibet.

I am very interested in Tibet and the entire issues that surround that country. For me, it is like a personal slap in the face that Obama picked China over meeting with the Dalai Lama. He is the first president to do so. Today i am embarrassed for my country that our President did this.

that's my punk ass kid!

I do not know about you guys, but when i was a kid i was unaware of who i was as a person. True enough i still struggle with who exactly i am or want to be in life! But looking back i went through so many phases of me; a total tomboy, a sporty girl, a preppy girl, a hippy girl, a punk girl, a greenpeace girl, and so on. My look changed a lot over the years and sometimes even changed daily depending on which friends i was hanging out with at the time. I changed to suit other people. As an adult i do not over think my clothes or my look. I have learned what looks good on me and that's the best people are going to get. I still struggle with what look i want though. I am part punk, party hippy, part preppy, part SAHM, part everything else. There is a part of me that wants to cut all of my hair off and be a grown up sophisticated lady. There is part of me that wants to put blue streaks in my hair! There is a part of me that wants to grow my hair super long and be a total hippy. But the difference is that i am the one struggling with who i want to be, not because of who others think i should be.

Which brings me to my kid. I wish i had half of her attitude when i was 10! She dresses for her and her alone. I have caught myself saying, "you can not be serious with that outfit?!" and she's like, "what? there's nothing wrong with what i am wearing." Even when i point out the obvious miss-match of colors and the fact that she is wearing knee high socks with shorts - she doesn't care. And truth be told by the end of the day i most often love her outfit. But it's that spunk that she isn't dressing to please anyone but herself is something that took me a long time to get to as a person.

the other day she was wearing my black hoodie, shorty shorts, and a tee-shirt... and she had on these socks that have the toes cut out so you can wear them with flip flops. I thought she looked like a total mess! but she was like, "take my picture... PLEASE! i look so cute in this!" i was hesitant to capture this look on camera... but in the editing i saw what she saw - just my punk kid being who she is best at being, herself.