Monday, September 21, 2009

beauty of the day + lessons in learning the truth about myths

budding beauties
in that which is the beauty of another day, we tend to re-think our transgressions of the days before. We ponder our choices, we glance into the past... viewing with questions, as so bold to wonder, "what if i...?"

So today is one of these days. i sit and i wonder. i wonder and i sit. (all between teaching homeschooling lessons of course!)

Today's lessons were full of history. In our house, we love us some History! Knights and princesses to be exact! We have been studying the time of True Kings and Queens; medieval times and on up to the Renaissance time. Where people were beheaded almost daily, and the crusades were slaughtering every man, woman, and child who didn't accept Jesus as their savior (thank God we've moved past these days!) But it is amazing how much the movies make these times out to be so magical and full of romance... when in reality, it was full of murder and bloodshed. We teach our little girls about the romance of fairy tales and then they dream about a knight so valiant to ride up on his beautiful white horse to save her from the perils of the horrid dragon. But in true history, Knights often "took" women as their own, and very (very) rarely did the beautiful lady find herself living like a magnificent Queen in a big castle. Knights were never a King or even a Prince. They were noblemen from time to time, but we tend to think of the Knight as this wonderful hero. i suppose we can all define a hero in our own ways, but the reality is less romantic than the fairy tale.

It is kind of sad to see the disappointment on a 10 year olds face, when they really start to understand what the world use to be like. It is hard to sugar coat History. No more fairy tales and legends of dragons and knights slaying them to free the beautiful maiden. Although it is good to still bring those stories in to tell during the lessons.

Which brings me back to my sitting and thinking today. Why do we teach the stories that we teach? Why do we tell a young, very impressionable, child about fairy tales and things that are not real. Santa Claus. The Easter Bunny. The tooth Fairy. Etc. We fill their heads up so full of things that are not real, and then one day we just expect them to wake up and understand that all the while... nothing we said was true.

I'm sure this will start a controversy of backlash, but from day 1 we never told Claire that any of that was true. She knew that we were Santa, the Easter bunny, and the whole bunches of other things. She still to this day is full of imagination and she chose to "believe" in it all on her own. Something deep down inside of me felt betrayal (the first of many i am afraid) towards my parents for telling such stories... such lies to me when i was a child. i can still remember the day my older sister told me the truth. i cried. i was more upset and angry at my parents for the lie than i was in finding out that these mythical creatures did not exist. i never wanted my child to feel that sting of truth when she learned that her entire childhood of fantasy was a bold faced lie from those who she trusted the most.

But i too believe in the fairy tale of adventure and spirit of those things which can not be seen. i have been blessed with such an amazing child. She believed without fail in the adventure of fairies, Mermaids, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and all of the rest of them. Without even thinking twice about the truth, she felt that even though she knew the truth - there must be something more to the belief than that which is fact. And i totally love that about her. She has a spirit beyond science, beyond fact and her adventure... is sure to take her places in her life!

Sunday, September 20, 2009


recently i have grown to feel much like this image. i feel as if i need to protect myself from those who wish to steal the beauty in which i hold dear to me. Not only metaphorically speaking, but truly. i have put myself out there for those who i trusted... i have been burned more times than i wish to count. so today i woke up at 6am and laid there pondering why?

i have a quote on my sticky notes wall "if it doesn't make you happy, then why are you doing it? Who are you doing it for?" i have no idea where i saw the quote because i didn't write that part down (if it was said by you, tell me and i will give you credit).

but this made me think about all of my "social networking" sites that i visit and take part in. does it make me any happier to put up a status update? no. does it make me any happier to see a new person following me on twitter? no. does it make me happier if people i do not know follow my blog? no.

So if not, then why?

i pulled myself out of bed and took a look at my twitter followers. over 300 people. i went through the list, one by one. There were people selling porn - deleted! there were people selling things i didn't want to buy - deleted. there were people who said creepy things and/or looked creepy - deleted! there were bots (look it up if you don't know) - deleted. there were people who were following ONLY me (creepy!!!) - deleted! there were people that just looked like they were up to no good - deleted.

i could go on, but i deleted over 100 people that i didn't want to have follow my every move online. i also recently had been thinking about the kids i grew up with and how i am their friend on FB. i have not seen or heard from many of these people since i was a young child. Good to connect, sure. But i do not honestly know these people. Do i really want them seeing my status updates? Do i want them knowing that i am having a difficult time right now? Do i want them seeing all of the photos i take of my family? Complete strangers knowing my every life move... all because i happened to know them when i was a young child?

We protect what we love. We shelter it, we give it love and we teach ourselves to be cautious of those around us at all times. How do you protect yourself from something you can not see? Do you know how many times a stranger has looked at your photos? Do you set your photos up on FB to be seen ONLY by those you are friends with, friends of friends, or everyone? Do you honestly know all of your friends- friends and trust that they are not scary people who might wish to harm you or your family?

Yesterday i took Claire all alone, just me, to the Farmers Market two towns over. i gave her the "remember to stick with me" speech to which i got a sassy response of "i'm 10... i know!" So that put me into major mom mode and a lecture about the "stranger danger" ensued.

Here, we are all alone. Here, i have no one to call upon if i get into danger or trouble. Here, we are surrounded by hundreds of strangers whenever we go anywhere. Not 1 familiar face in the crowd.

So how do you get to that point of... enough? My life is MY life and not to be shared with the entire world?

i share because i want those that i care about to keep up with us while we are living 3,000 miles away.
i share because i want to not be closed off from the world.
i share because i enjoy sharing.

but i think there is a limit to which we share and who we share with.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


what if we do not feel like talking.
what if today, we feel like we look
despite the truth that deep inside
we are fluffy and beautiful
outside we feel like we are ugly.
and so we just want to seek alone time.

what if despite needing to talk
we just do not feel like talking.
lost in our own thoughts
and imaginations
we just want to be left alone.

not out of self pity.
not out of despair.
not out of anger.
just out of necessity.

today was one of those days. i did not feel much like myself. despite having to be thrown in the mix of company. despite having to share my work space, my computer, my normal flow. despite having to be surrounded by talkers... i myself did not feel like talking! it happens. not often. but from time to time, i just want to be alone with my thoughts and let the process of these thoughts take hold and learn from what i am thinking.

on days like today... being alone is not a negative, but a positive. it makes me feel better. it makes me whole again. when i do not get the desired quality of alone time, i tend to get a tad cranky by bed time. so i often go to "bed" early to seek out the alone time i was needing the entire day long.

so good night and sleep well, dream of wonderful places!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

things which are missing

i often think about and talk about the things i miss from back home. a person, an item, a place, a scent, a feeling, or even a way of life. the end of september is getting closer and closer. most people probably let the end of september come and go without much thought to it bringing on so much stuff in their life. For me September means so many things. The end of summer, the beginning of my favorite time - fall, The Feast, changing leaves, taking Claire on Pumpkin patch visits with my mom, apple orchards, the smells of fireplaces starting up as the air gets colder, the air getting colder and having that first hint of snow mixed inside of the breeze, carving pumkins, painting pumpkins, cooking pumkin seeds, the taste of pumkin pie (i'm going to totally miss that this year with the new allergy to cinnamon!), and my list could go on and on and on.

The months end will be here before we know it. And with it brings on another choice of WHAT do we do? We aren't quite ready to pack it all up and move back just because we miss a few things. They will always be there for when we do go back. But we are not financially able to continue on this path without jobs. i've had no luck. Michael has had no luck. we are almost to the point of living in the streets. this fact scares me to the core.

Michael quite literally lucked into taking a class for FREE (the kind people pay $2,000 a class for!). We are hoping that this will help in landing him a job once he passes the test that goes along with the course. The sad, scary, news is that everyone (but 2) in his class are unemployed. One guy (who is employed) mentioned that his company put up a job on Monster last week and they had over 300 people apply already. It was a low paying position that was only going to last for 3 months and they had CEO's and Presidents of former companies applying. It doesn't seem like it at times, but it truly is just that bad out there when you really need a job.

If we moved home next week, we would not have enough money to pay a down deposit to even rent a place. If we stay here and still are unable to find work, the money will only last until the end of October. In that case, we have no money to move back home with... and we can not even pay the breaking the lease fee. Quite literally we would be out on our butts.

The cold hard facts panic me, but then i think of how there are people who are already on the streets. i at least still have a short time before i am in that position. i pray for those who couldn't make it work, and i pray that we do not end up in that same situation. i think about people who have been seeing harder times for longer than we have and i pray that they find a way out too.

sometimes the panic turns to anger which quickly turns to tears because i feel guilty for feeling like i feel. i'm not alone so i feel bad for thinking of only how we are dealing with all of this. the husband keeps saying "charity starts at home..." and reminds me when i give $1.00 to the ladies sitting outside the stores collecting money... but i can't help myself. i know, i'm a sucker! but even if i were laying in a gutter, i would still give someone else my last penny. but alas, i am almost in this imaginary gutter... so perhaps he is right, maybe i should stop being so giving and protect what is mine? i still like to think i am right ;-)

on a much brighter note, it is raining outside! i have not seen the rain since July. You do not realize that you truly can miss something so much until you no longer have it in your life. Claire and i ran downstairs, and i'm sure looked like total idiots to the neighbors, but we danced in the rain for a bit. it's times like that, i truly just miss home.

Monday, September 7, 2009


on the line

hearing things that are said, you must listen to all that is said.
reading things that are said, you must read all that is being said.

often in life you see and hear what you want to and then either take the defensive or you join the side because you heard what you wanted to hear and dismissed the rest. Obama gave a lot of people this HOPE that he would change their lives if you voted for him. i know many people who voted for him, they were Republican, they put their faith of their beliefs on the line and they voted for him. They now regret their vote. They see the exact same things that he said before and they disagree and find it hard to believe they felt, believed, and did what they did and said all that they said just 1 year ago.

when i was 17 i believed that i should get in people's faces and protest against animal killers. i was part of greenpeace. i handed out flyers against whaling, chicken saluter houses, etc. i argued with people who didn't believe the same thing i was thinking about how it was wrong to kill an animal and eat the meat. when i was 20 i married a meat eating man. Did i lose my feelings on eating meat? no. but i didn't shout as hard. i stood firmly to what i believe for my own life, still to this day. Animals are beautiful creatures that should be allowed to live, not be killed and processed for human consumption. This is my opinion (a word that some need to look up and define, here i did it for you - "1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.") i have a 10 year old daughter who on occasion eats meat. She is free to live her life and choose her own path on this issue. There are other issues that i feel just as strongly about, like alcohol, and on this i will not bend for her. My convictions on drinking have changed over the years. Will they perhaps one day down the road change back? doubtful. but as with anything in life, we all are given FREE WILL by God to live our life as we so choose. even if we change our minds.

So (anonymous comment person) before you send out all of that hate in a comment to me for saying an opinion (i refer you back to that definition), think about the fact that you are angry because you hold a different opinion... neither person is right. i do not say i am right, i say how i feel. You are more than free to disagree, just don't expect to change my mind today.

Thursday, September 3, 2009


be free

a mountain from a distance appears big and beautiful and majestic.
a mountain while you are standing in the middle of it, seems like plain rocks and being in the middle of nowhere too special.
a mountain from the top peak, seems like you are on top of the world and the view is breath taking.

a Monet painting from far away looks amazing.
a Monet painting from right on top of it looks like a mess of colors!

from the distance of living in the mid-west, California also looked like this amazing dream land of where all dreams come true.
close up, it is just life. same as the mid-west, only a different zip code and the weather is much nicer in the winter.

sometimes my perception of life, and most often of people, is a bit out of focus. I often times think very highly of people who i shouldn't. and i think nothing of people who i should be thinking an awful lot more of. it is strange how there are times when even the tiniest little thing can change the way we perceive things. my perception of many people has changed in the last 6 months. some for the better, some for the worst. i wish i could go back to my thinking of some people before i lost all hope and desire to even know them in my life... but often times you just can't go back. It isn't a forgiveness issue or that they have done something so drastic to make you hate them... more often it is just because of a change in perception. sometimes you just change who you are so your views on issues change so your previous views do not line up anymore to be part of their life.

i probably stopped making sense 2 sentences ago. point is, we grow... we change... we move on. i think its time i moved on from many things/people that i use to admire in some small way. and i think it is time i give other people the attention that they deserve.

perception is a very funny thing.