being without a place...

yesterday was a really hard day for me. After two very LONG (stressful) days at work and staying in a hotel since Monday afternoon... i was hitting a breaking point. On the verge of tears i told my husband that i could not stay at the hotel another night.  And i asked him what he thought about it all, to no surprise he had no input past, "do what you want..."

After hours of being teased by every one because they thought just as much before hand; that i would not be able to last in the hotel... i just gave up on even trying to cope. I picked up my purse i grabbed our main suitcase and told Michael and Claire to follow.  Claire of course was mad because the hotel was her way of staying in town to be closer to her friends for much longer.  But i reminded her that it was a Friday night and i had not made any "final" choice on the issue. So, I drove us up to my parents house.

I still feel like curling up into a ball and just crying.  I am no longer enjoying this feeling of being displaced.  I have a new found understanding of those who have to be put out because of a flood, fire, hurricane, etc.  I use to look at those people and think, "wow i feel bad for them... but it isn't so bad because they have a place to stay... not like they are 'homeless' and in a box on the street."  I no longer will ever see anyone being displaced in the same way again.

I am a smeller. It sounds strange, but i can smell something and remember the first time i smelled it.  i miss my smells being around me. i miss curling up with my own blanket at night with my own pillow (oh yeah, now that we're at my parents... it's SOOO coming out of that space age bag thing!), i miss being able to just be...

So to sum up, $300 later, we are out of the hotel and at my parents house.  I'm hating the allergies, they have two cats.  I appear to be crying and the eyes are puffy and the nose is running and red from being blown all last night... but once i wash down the bedding, and get out MY pillows, i am hopeful that i might feel better than i am feeling today still.

I keep wondering if this all makes me just a totally horrid person for feeling like i do.  I never think of my self as "spoiled". Picky, yes! Stubborn, hell yes!  But spoiled? God i was hoping i was not one of those type of people... but it appears that maybe i am :-(

no longer our home

we just signed the papers, and our house now belongs to someone else.

i wish them all of the luck and happiness in our old home.  I realize we are complete strangers, but i somehow want to keep in touch with them if only to know that they are happy with our former home... is that odd?

All that we own...

Well, here it all is... this is all that we have left. There are a few things that will go in my car, like clothes, my guitar, my stand mixer, the laptops, and other random things.

It is hard to believe that our 3 bedroom, two living room's, 3 baths, kitchen, and closets full of our life, now fit into this large square (many boxes!) in the back of our truck (as seen above).  It is something that most people wouldn't do in life, just start over with everything that they own.  Unless it was by no choice of their own (flood, fire, etc.)... most people become attached to their personal belongings in a way that i am starting to understand as almost unnatural. We place so much feeling of want and desire on the things that we purchase in our life.  It is not until we are left with almost nothing that we learn what is more important in our life.  You can not buy your friends (even if you try), you can not buy your happiness (even if you want to), you can not find true love or fullfill any desire by purchasing any item on the planet. We tend to buy our children every toy they want and more and then we wonder why we are broke at the end of the month.  We are turning our children into consumeristic nations by giving them so much junk at their finger tips to play with!  If they become bored with toy A-Z we can shove toy 1-100 in front of them to keep them occupied while we are busy ignoring them by being online or watching sports or just doing any number of other things in our overly busy lives.  hundreds of years ago most kids had 1 toy and they loved it, they kept it and passed it down to their children and grandchildren.  What is the last thing you bought your child that could be handed down to the next generation?  Video's, games, toys, etc are all a passing fad and by the time you have a grandchild they will all be out of date. (sorry i'm rambling here!)

***

there was a blog post that i saved long ago, written by unknown at this point, but i felt it worth a share here:

This culture confuses excitement and fulfillment. Fulfillment can't be mass produced and sold in 30 second increments. It's not quantifiable. Excitement is much easier to package and monetize, and because it's not fulfilling, getting a little just makes us want more. We are bombarded by it and our appetite can never be sated and the means become the ends and we end up spending all our time, money, and energy chasing the next high, the next new thing. We're a nation of addicts. Viva la capitalism.

Part of conscious capitalism is vigilant defense of your mindshare. Just cuz they're sellin' don't mean you have to buy, or even pay attention. Your time, and especially your attention, are the most precious things you own, and the 21st century has made our culture the battlefield to harvest those things from you as much as possible.

The first step is awareness.

listening to music will not fulfill you
watching tv will not fulfill you
watching movies will not fulfill you
playing games will not fulfill you
eating food will not fulfill you
empty sex will not fulfill you
sleeping all day will not fulfill you
buying stuff will not fulfill you

creating will fulfill you
sharing yourself with others will fulfill you
traveling and learning about people will fulfill you
developing trust and nurturing intimacy will fulfill you
making things better, in some small way, wherever you go
will fulfill you

it starts with yourself
but it doesn't end there
there is always more to do, more to learn, more to give
life is growth and change
things will settle down when you die
until then
seek fulfillment in life
when you are fulfilled, excitement is just a novelty, not a need

Turning another year older, the big 34!

Turning 34 was like turning 30. Just another number into my 30's.  I do not mind being in my early 30's. Truth be told it has (so far) been better than my early 20's!

I spent yesterday at a local Tea Party (protest) and had a wonderful day!  I got messages from just about everyone that i know. Text, Twitter, Facebook, voicemail... you have to love modern technology for this reason.  No matter who you know, or how you know them, they have a way to show their love to you.  There were a couple of people who forgot, or just didn't realize, or perhaps just do not give a shit. But for the most part i heard from those who i felt would remember my birthday. And i felt blessed by all of those best wishes that i did get.

I can't believe that this was the last birthday to be spent in this house. This was the last one in our home town, unless we travel home for my birthday.  It was for sure a great day full of love and adventure. age 34... bring it on! :o)

One side optimism

I am a very optimistic person. I tend to see good in all people, until they give me a reason to see their true colors. I tend to let most things slide and return to seeing the good in people. But there are some times when someone continues on a path of being something that i dislike, it is times like these when my optimism falls short of perfect.  I will only see one side of the optimistic coin and start to take a negative stand on how i see them.  When i get to this point, it becomes hard for me to flip the coin over and see them in a good way again.

We are moving. We ARE moving. That being said, i am growing tired of people asking me, "why are you moving... can't you stay here and find work?" The cold hard truth is that there is nothing here for me.... for any of us.  Michael has been unable to find work in his field.  I have never made this town my "home". Claire will be upset about the move but she is a child and will soon move into her new life with just as much love and hope as she does with everything else in her life.  

I have made a few friends in this town, but there is no one i would call upon to hang out with me on a Friday night.  There is no one that i have a mutual relationship with.  I have friends that i enjoy, but they are busy and i see them... well never.  I have friends that we only have our kids in common, but beyond that i do not see us as long term friends.  I have work friends and people i can call on to ask a silly question to get a quick answer about where to find something in this town.  But true friends, a person i would call on in the hardest of times and lean on, a shoulder to cry on... i never found that in anyone here.

My parents live an hour away. They do not come over here to see us, ever! If we want to see them, we have to go over there.  The sad truth is that we will probably see my parents more when we move because they will fly out for weeks at a time to visit.  Here, they just sit in their house and don't really socialize with us when we come over.  I can't count how many times my mom sits and talks on her phone while we are there.  (Gossip among teachers, someone one day will have to explain this phenomenon to me!) But is that enough reason to stay here in the mid-west... family who we never really see even though they are so close? For me this is not a strong enough reason for use to live here, where we do not want to live anymore.

So i find this move being something that only we are happy and excited about.  Everyone has been giving us a hard time and i am starting to see the true colors of many people.  I am even finding that random people who hardly know us are more excited for us than people we actually know and are suppose to be our "good" friends.  It is strange, i felt more comfortable telling my favorite Starbucks Barista about our moving issues than some of these people who were once known as friends.  I will honestly miss Karen, she has been giving me my Starbucks for so many years... she has seen Claire grow up and it will be strange to walk into a new starbucks and be treated like just another customer!

Today i sit here, 14 days before we have to be out of our house, in a mini-panic about our living arrangements for the next 49 days... and wondering where all of my true friends went? Did us choosing to better our life and make this move change who we were, or did it change who they were, or did it just change who they were in my mind?  I would love to have someone to lean on for support, but me being a private person on many things in my life i tend to not be trusting of new people.... and the people that i thought i knew are no longer people i want to turn to or lean on for support.

Maybe this is for the best... make a total clean break from all of the things we are leaving behind.  Start fresh in California and make new friends... keeping the old in memory and maybe online on facebook...