Love, glorious love!

Define Love: is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection[1] and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. The word love is both a verb and a noun. Love is not a single feeling but an emotion built from two or more feelings. Anything vital to us creates more than one feeling, and we also have feelings about our feelings (and thoughts about our feelings)[1]. This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

I use to be more open to love.  At some point through my adult years, i was wounded to the point of closing off the idea of using "love" in any term to anyone outside of my family.  I tell my husband and my daughter i love them daily.  But if i sign an e-mail, i say "*peace*" or "thanks" and anything other then "love". 

I notice people using it when they send e-mails to me.  And it isn't that i do not care for these people... but "love"? I am not sure that i "love" my friends in the terms that i "love" my daughter or husband. Dare i use this word to just sign a very basic e-mail to someone?  Yesterday i tested this water of signing "love" on a message to a close friend who i care for.  I would do most anything for this person... but sign messages with "love"?  

Am i placing too much of a meaning on this word now?  I have read the definition... i do "love" most all people i know.  But i do not say it in those terms.  Can you imagine if you went up to a friend and said "i love you"? they would think you were a bit nuts!  As a kid i used the term very loosely, i loved everybody!  Even if i had just met you, i loved you.  Boy, that seems like a life time ago!

So through the years of getting to know people, loss, moving, becoming distant, etc.  The pain of this word "love" have taken their toll on my use of them.  It is not that i do not feel great admiration and care for the people in my life... i am just in a struggle to use the word "love" on an every day level.  perhaps i need help?

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So, this morning... i grounded my child from the phone, the internet, video games, and all things that she finds "fun" in her life.  She is 9 and having some major attitude problems.  I have been giving in on so many things these days because my stress level just could not take the "fight".  And i think that she has taken advantage of it all. So today when her butt crack was hanging out of her pants when she bent over (yes it was a funny example to start with, but it turned to anger) i politely went over to her and gave her an example of how to squat down like a lady so that she did not show the world her butt crack (which included just explaining that a simple pulling up of her pants would also help).  She gave me this *look* of "shut up!" and got frustrated with me that i pointed it out and she just kind of blew up about this little issue.  

This is just one of many examples of her attitude these days.  So today, i broke it down for her and made her aware of how she has been treating myself and her dad.  I told her that all of the things she has in her life were gifts from us: having a phone - privilege.  Having a facebook - privilege.  having a blog - privilege.  All of the things that she comes home and runs to do and doesn't even ask permission anymore... these are all things that she will have to earn back with changing her way of talking and dealing with us (her parents).  All of this at age 9.  Boy, i can't wait for age 15!

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having lunch with a "new" friend today.  I've known her for years, but we have only recently become more friendly.  Sure, i make friends just 3 months before we move away.

How much it all costs

Oh Martha, oh Christmas... oh wait, that is from the Grinch movie!  But still... how i love the Martha Stewart Magazines!  With each magazine costing 4.99 per month.  On average i spent 9.98 a month on Martha Stewart Magazines. ($119.76)

Print Magazine *drool* I can't believe i gave up this magazine.  Oh the things we do for the better life! This is my all time favorite magazine, all time favorite!  Anyone in the graphic world or even if you just enjoy getting inspiration from art, this magazine is awesome!  This magazine was $10 a month for me.  And twice a year there was a very special issue that was 39.00 for just the one magazine.  Yes, i know... all for paper! ($198.00)

Oh ok, you can stop the hating people for loving Starbucks.  You have to give credit to this company for packaging their drinks in their wonderful traveling cups and pretty things.  They knew what they were doing, and now other places are jumping on board. McDonalds, Duncan Doughnuts, etc.  They know that the coffee industry is HUGE, we're all addicted.  Now here is my spending.  On average 3 times a week. My Tall ice tea (sweetened) is 1.71.  And that worked out to be 20.52 per month.  If you add on the Starbucks trips that i took Claire with me, which is once a week you would have to add on 19.20 per month for her tall hot chocolate and her treat food of a cookie or other item. (246.24 + 230.40 =$476.64)

These are me...these are things that i have gotten use to being my normal spending each month.  No more.  January changed everything.  It changed the way i look at every purchase i make.  I use to consider my magazines to be like books.  I read them, i reread them, and i shelved them in nice containers.  I would get pissy if someone bent the corners of my pages at all.  If you tossed my magazines around like they were just disposable, i wasn't a happy camper.  But i had to weed out my favorite magazines to move with me.  And most of them were donated to people i know, but i also know that they will read them and toss them and eventually they will end up in a landfill.  So i have quit. Cold turkey (OH MY HOW HARD IT HAS BEEN!).  And i have not purchased a magazine for 2 solid months.  

I got a gift card for $50 on Christmas day for Starbucks.  It still has 28.00 on it.  Wow, 28 whole dollars!  It seems like nothing, but for me... it is the world of tea at my finger tips, but only when i am really in a pure desire of needing a tea.  I had to cut out taking Claire to get her 2.85 tall Hot Chocolate, and Target gives you a cookie for free.... for FREE! if you ask at the pastry counter.  We have learned to just do without a lot these days.

A lesson in spending, sure.  A lesson in life, sure.  A lesson in being humble, for sure.  I feel silly even typing up this blog because it is silly to feel deprived of a magazine or a Starbucks drink.  People are doing without clean water on this planet, and i'm sitting here complaining that i had to cut back on my Starbucks spending!  How dare i!  

The hard truth is to realize that this spending is on WANTS and not NEEDS.  I could add so much more into this posting, but i picked the top 3 things that i miss the most in our cut backs.  If you were to add up all of the numbers in () you would get a total of...$794.40.  That is almost a thousand dollars on things that i do not need at all.  

I really desire a macro lens for my camera, a tele lens for my camera... these are not needs, but if i had these lenses i could take my photography to another level and i could perhaps actually learn more, and even start selling images?  It is a dream to one day purchase a better camera with better lenses, but i never have the money to invest.  The one lens is $500.00.  All i have to do is put the unspent money for Starbucks and magazines in a jar and i would have that money in less than 1 year!  Something i never stopped to think about.

We all do it. We all spend a little here and a little there on things that are disposable and not NEEDS.

So today, i challenge you to do the same.  Take an item that you love, but that you do not need to survive.  Give it up.    Let me know how that goes for you too :o)

D is for...

Don Pablo's!  Oh how we will miss this place.  (see above image)  This restaurant has this fun little quark, they take the toys that kids and people leave behind and then they "hide" them around the restaurant.  We really enjoy this little treat when we go out to eat, not to mention the really great food!

The world that we live in

One day we will own a car that will run on pure love.

One day that car will take us to far off places.

One day in the future there will be no gas stations.

but for today, we are teaching Claire how to use this tool.

***

Watching, listening, not completely understanding it all last night when our new President gave yet another speech.  He gives such grand speeches, but they hold little substance when i sit and listen.  Perhaps i am just not wanting to hear what he has to say because i think he is a smug a-hole that only became our current President due to his young age.  People followed him for whatever reason they followed him, but in the end they voted for someone who has NO experience in being a leader. (the other guy was not any better though) What the future holds, no one knows.  I hope, i pray, i wait, i listen; one day the future will unfold and we will all have the grand picture to look back on.  The best i can do, is to do my part in helping my family become more than what ails us today.  Move past the pressure to follow the nation on it's problem coat tails.  Make my life and the things that i do on a daily basis mean something to better not only my life, but that of a fellow American.  If i can create something, however small, that will change the world - then it is my duty as not only an American, but as part of the human race.  Do good today, do better tomorrow... do all that you can to make who you are better.  As a good friend said yesterday, "you are number 1".  She helped someone better their life, she felt good about helping.  She felt like a #1 and everyone should help others and feel that they are #1.  I'm not talking "ego" here, i'm talking about being helpful and that feeling of good all over that you get for doing something for someone else.  Just go out there, do good... do better! Just do.

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Drugs are bad! Well, duh!  I've been watching the news about the border issue.  And it is kind of scary to watch what is going on in Mexico!  We have no real "border control" and it is pretty bad when you see how many millions "leak" over the southern border each year.  What happens if Mexico fails, the drug dealers take over and the citizens go where?  Here!  I do not fault them for wanting a better life.  I do not say, turn them all way.... but at what cost do we protect our border, our country from the evil drug dealers who want to do nothing but harm and kill innocent people? 

*

Kids grow up so fast and then have to learn life lessons. I remember when Claire thought that everything was truth.  No matter what you said, if you said it in the right way, she would believe anything. She has always had a kind heart and been a little "young" when it comes to life lessons.

 Yesterday she was having an issue with a friend and was discussing it with us.  She kept saying, "i don't get it... she's so nice, but she lies all of the time!"  How do you explain to a child that most people are bad.  They just are.  Almost everyone lies, and stretches the truth to make themselves look good.  And it is a hard lesson to learn. It is hard to see your friends who you think are the best ever, as people who are not honest.  I do everything in my power to never lie to anyone, for any reason.  There is very rare of an occasion to flat out lie to someone.  Bend the truth to get out of a dinner party you do not want to attend?  I've done it, we've all done that.  But flat out lie to someone about something silly, for me it has no purpose in life.  If you can not be yourself, if you can not be honest about everything, then there is something wrong with you and you should seek professional help.

The life of a Vegan Mother

We stopped off and got some fried chicken yesterday.  If i had to guess, i would say we've had this as a meal perhaps 3 times in the last 10 years.  I do not cook it because it is so bad for you!  I normally cook chicken breasts for dinner for Claire and Michael.  But yesterday was an eye opener for me and how i have raised my daughter...

Claire: Can i have an arm?

Michael: An arm? You mean a leg or a drumstick?

Claire: Drum what?

Michael: you know this piece *points out the piece*

Claire: YES, that one...

She picked at this piece and kept asking questions...

Claire: is it OK to eat this piece?  what about this piece, is it ok to eat it if it is... what is this?!

Michael: NO that is a piece of fat... you don't eat the fat.

Claire: *picking some more* What about this, what is this part?

Michael: that's a tendon... don't eat that either...

Claire: Ok, i think i've picked it enough, can i have a body piece now?

Michael: Seriously, what have we done in feeding you?!  It's a leg, a wing, a breast... how do you not know these things?

Me: It isn't like we eat fried chicken often... it's not her fault... i blame me, i don't eat meat so it isn't as if she should know about the pieces of a fried chicken!

About 5 minutes later i had to excuse myself from the table due to the graphic nature of them devouring their chicken.

For me, i can't stomach the nastiness that comes along with people eating meat when they are picking it off of the bone.... and discussing it all in detail!  A hamburger, sure eat away... just chew with your mouth shut.  A piece of chicken, sure eat away with your knife and fork.  But the raw details of eating a piece of fried chicken... it's so nasty! lol

If it were up to me, Claire would be a vegetarian like me.  But she enjoys meat, and i will not keep it away from her.  I'm not a vegan-whack-o who thinks that all people should eat veggie's only.  I mean, in a perfect world there would be less meat eaten because of the way they kill the animals so you can all eat it... trust me, it is so nasty!  And the way people will eat a cow, but not a horse or a dog... i find that odd.  You either eat meat, or you do not.  There should not be this whole "i can't believe that Chinese people eat cats!" uh, you eat a cow, a chicken, and a pig, and fish and whatever else you can eat the meat of that is considered "normal".  Some people worship cows and can't believe American's eat them.  So to them, you are all odd.  Meat is meat, if you're going to eat it, i'm honestly surprised there aren't more cannibals out there.  That sounds strange, but if you eat the flesh of one LIVE being, what is stopping you from eating the flesh of ALL living beings?  because for me, eating ANY flesh is just the most disgusting thing about human beings.   You can put any "religious" spin on it you want, but i've read all sides of it.  There is no pure truth in what God wants.  There is no guarantee that you won't all end up in hell because you killed one of Gods creatures to get a quick meal.  If it's living, if it's breathing, if it feels pain, i'm going with the school of thought that it shouldn't be killed for my "pleasure". No meat for me! :o)

Magnificent Monday {10}

etsy store.... HERE
Etsy store....   HERE
Etsy item.... HERE
etsy store.... HERE
Etsy store... HERE
etsy store... HERE

Etsy store... HERE

Etsy Store.... HERE
Etsy Store.... HERE
Etsy Store.... HERE
Etsy store HERE
Etsy Store HERE

It is official!

I thought i would have more to say today, it is officially on the market... our house!  But i am at a lack of words for this feeling of it being 100% up for sale today.

how do they do it?

I love all of the pretties. I adore everything that this website (Anthropologie) has to offer. My only concern is this... how do you keep nice things nice?  I live in my home. I USE my items. I have a 9 year old child. A $98 shower curtain that is so beautiful, it is all great in theory, but in reality... it just doesn't work.

So, do people buy cheap "knock-off" pretty items? Or do people go broke buying the expensive things in life and just use it until it quite literally falls apart? i see so many pretty things in homes on blogs that i love to follow and read about. Flickr images are filled with adorable (expensive looking) items inside of homes. Are they all rich and indulge in nice things?

I am using a shower curtain as my example, so i will continue with this same example. We go through shower curtains about 1 every 3 months. One reason is that they are cheap, they are plastic, and they always rip in out in the circle/ring area at the top. Most often within the first month we will rip a circle/ring area and then we will carefully use it until it needs to be replaced due to being old and nasty.

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Lovely Photos i see on Flickr

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In a land of opportunities, why are so many people seeking?  

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If i never run for office, does that mean i do not care enough to CHANGE what i feel is wrong with America?

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Does having the right to speak your mind mean you should speak your mind?

*

Lend me your ear, i'll tell you a story...

is it truth that he tells

can a person in power, honestly, lie?

if i doubt in his power, his words

what does that make the rest of you?

going a great distance, to take 1 step... backwards

follow the giant, before he hides

his words are so shallow, his heart is so cold

never ending lessons to reach what is right

by the way, i never believed in his "change"

***

Today feels like a good day for a nap...

Post 101.

This is my 101st post! Blogging goes by so fast.

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Sharing some more blog love; Knock Knock is wonderfully full of beautiful life images!

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Who's following you?  In the land of twitter, you are who follows you.  I have to admit to rather boring updates... my life just is not that interesting to most people in a play by play mode.  But i am up to 76 followers!  And even though that is no where near the amount that is following say, Ashton Kutcher, i feel pretty good that more than 5 people enjoy what i say ;-)

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Gelatinous form. something about winter... it makes me feel all lazy and wiggly in areas!  Soon i will be back to t shirts that are not covered up by baggie sweatshirts and these issues will be more than just me feeling wiggly!  I miss warm weather, i just do not seem to get out as much in the winter... which leads to lazy days watching TV and playing on the computer, which leads to wiggly areas.  Stupid winter!

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Consumerism!

I have really started to notice all of the CRAP filling up the stores.  I use to be a consumer of CRAP.  I use to be a buyer of CRAP.  But now when i am at the store and i look around at the many isles of items... i start to get angry and then that anger turns into an almost "panic" of where the world is going.  So i pondered the question to my family the other day (to which they gave no solid answer).  "If tomorrow the store stopped selling 5 items, those items would be gone forever, what would you be OK with never being able to purchase again?"  So here is my answer, and mine is grocery only for this purpose of the question.

1. Hostess treats - twinkies, ding dongs, ho-ho's, and all of the other varieties.  I never buy them, never will.

2. Bagged Pop Corn (sold already popped like chips).  If you can't pop popcorn, there is something wrong with you!

3. Already cut up celery and carrot sticks in water. OMG, nasty!  waste of a plastic container, and they look nasty and taste nasty!

4. Half of the varieties of BBQ Sauce, Ketchup, Mustard, Mayo, etc.  What ever happened to being happy with PLAIN ketchup, mustard, mayo and BBQ sauces?  When i was a kid... we had Ketchup, Mustard, Miracle Whip, Open Pit BBQ sauce, and A1 sauce.  There were not 30 variations of BBQ sauces... if we wanted to spice something up, we used actual spices!  Which in our house we normally we had salt and pepper.  Today, i hate the condiment isle due to the choices.  Give me 1 and toss the rest out!

5. Candy... what ever happened to M&M's and a couple of choices.  There are 10 choices of Hershey Kisses currently on the store shelf!  Seriously, consumers have too many choices!

I could go on, but those are my 5 FOOD items that i personally could go without.

just me, just things

Do you have a box?  Is it filled full of things you had as a baby, perhaps just as a child, or even perhaps it is from collage?  When i was 17 i moved away.  My parents sold their house, whatever i did not take with me when i moved out, my mom threw it away.  I only have a couple of things that fit into a box that is 8 inches tall and about 5 inches square around.  It holds several things from when i was a baby.  My foot was broken when i was 3 days old and i wore a cast to fix a problem in my foot for 6 weeks.  I remember taking this cast in for show-and-tell when i was in Kindergarden!  It is a piece of my very start into life.  This box also holds my duckie stuffed toy, and my baby outfit that has duckies on it, and this cute little guy (seen above).  

It doesn't mean anything to anyone else.  But this tiny box, it is all that i have left from being a child.  I try not to dwell on the fact that i have nothing left.  I try not to harbor angry feelings towards my mom for throwing away all of my childhood things.  But there is something to be said where i am still excited to have just this one box left.  It holds few memories, but the ones that it does hold... they are the most important to me and i am excited to have what i still do have.

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ALERT!  I'm giving everyone this blog to read... and it is a MUST read by anyone with children and especially those who do not have children and keep saying "i'm never having kids, kids are too much work..."  And this will be read by me daily still, because it is just a fun read.  If you are offended, get over yourself... kids are all kinds of crazy, daily!  It does take a special kind of person to be a parent.  you either have it (and know that you have it in you) to be a parent, or you do not have it in you to take care of a human every single day, for the rest of your life.  Trust me, my parents are 60 and they still help my sister and brother out with their lives!  You're never done, and you are locked in for your entire life.  I for one, i'm willing to have another one, and keep up this madness of being a parent.  But enough said by me... go, read it, read it all... you have to get to the 2nd or 3rd page and do a spit-take like me when you read about the exploding diarrhea in the snow suit!  So go on... READ IT! ;-)

making choices

how do you weigh an option?

at what point does this reason win out over that reason?

who gets the final say...

who loses in this battle of "what if's" we are now letting take over our lives...

There are no easy answers, but there are a lot of opinions to be had. I'm sure it will all work out and everything will have its reason before the move is complete. Somedays are more frustrating that others. But for the most part we are so excited about all of the moving stuff.

what's the rush?

Everyone is always in a big hurry.  People are constantly cutting me off when driving.  I get passed daily by parents who think taking their child to school is more of a rush than taking my daughter to school.  Everywhere you turn in life, people are running to get somewhere.  Even our government is rushing to pass laws and stimulus packages before they learn what it all means!

So i ask everyone this, What is the big Rush?

Stop.

Look.

Listen.

Learn.

If you race to get through your homework as a child, you will not learn the lesson very well.  

You will fail.  

If you race to get through your life, you will not learn any life lessons.  

You will fail.

I have this desire to just stop and look at life a lot.  I do not fly anywhere anymore.  Although, if it was an emergency, i would take a plane.  But getting somewhere takes time.  It is suppose to take time.  You are suppose to go along with the journey that is your life.  If you stop and watch your children play, you will learn about who they are as children.  Often times i see parents just glance over while their child is playing and then they go on about their life.  They did not notice that their baby put a choking hazard toy in their mouth... and they will not notice until it is too late and they fail as a parent.  They are often times oblivious that their child is the one pulling other children's hair, biting, stealing toys, and just being a bad playmate.  Eventually they will see that they have failed their child by going through their life and by raising their child too fast (or easy) so they can get back to living their fast paced life.

Stop.

Take notice of things that are around you.  Not only your children.  Your spouse, your mother, your father, your cousins, your Aunt, your uncle... your friend that you forgot about because life just got too busy to notice them anymore.  See the cashier who is working hard to ring up your groceries; bag your own groceries for her when you can see they are having a bad day.  Take notice of the person who let you cut over a lane on the highway.  Give them a wave, it won't hurt you... but it probably will make their day if you notice that they were nice to you. Take notice that your spouse is trying really hard to connect with your children even while you are too busy working on your career, your crafts, or your everyday life. Notice your life; good or bad at the moment... it is your life, notice what it is about.

Look.

Listen to your friends who take the time to call you.  Even if you do not answer the phone when they call.  Listen to their voicemail.  Hear the words they are saying.  Feel the words, and if you bother to call them back... take the time to call them back and hear the words that they are conveying to you about their life.  Make the things you hear mean something to you.  Don't only hear your voice talking back to them, hear the message beyond the message in what you are saying and what they are saying to you.  Give the sound a second to sink in when you are listening to the world.  Hear the cars, hear the birds, hear the sound of the washer, hear the way that the wind is moving your house during a rain storm.  Take advantage of a sense some have learned to live without.  Make the way you listen something that others notice about you... don't make it the thing they dislike about you.

Listen.

The most important thing about life, is learning.  I believe that we are put on this Earth to learn.  It isn't a popular belief, but i believe that we live again and again.  Until we learn all that our souls need to learn... we will keep living again and again.  You might not believe this, and that is OK.  Even if you are only learning for this 1 life time.  Learn something.

Learn.

Take advantage of today, tomorrow might need to be faster than yesterday.  Our children are only children for a short time.  When you miss something, you miss it forever.  There is no reset button.  There is no rewind button.  There is only PLAY.  Take your finger off of the FAST-FORWARD button and PLAY today in your life.

i just can't say it enough...

Less is so much more!

article 5 things you think will make you happy (but won't) it is written on a comedy magazine website, but it is far from humor.  If you take the time to read it, it will make you sit up and think.  Sorry, it is a comedy website and the link was given to me by a friend, there are curse words in there... be for warned! 

That article puts a much finer point on some of how i feel today. 

"if i own all of these movies and our collections complete...."

"if i own as much music as i see that person owning..."

"if only i could have all of this pretty paper...."

"if only i had those shoes like her..."

"when i have a bigger house i will be happier..."

I could list out so many thoughts that have filled my head over the years.

desires. wants. wishes. 

The truth is, i had the huge movie collection... yet i could never find anything to watch!  i had the complete collection of Music CD's... hundreds of CD's!  But i still only seemed to play my 4 favorite CD's when i wanted to listen to music.  I had hundreds of pieces of "pretty" paper, it all sat in a drawer and only on a rare occasion did i use it.  I wanted to create cards just like this blog girl i followed, the fact is it was an illusion of want.  I had the pretty shoes just like "her", they hurt like heck!

I've been trying to put into words, this feeling of "relief".  This feeling of "freedom".  It is something i wish i could convey into words.  I had it all, and i gave it all away.  I do not miss it. I do not want it.  I do not even know why i ever wanted it all.  It is this feeling of, wow... what really matters to me in this life, i can not buy it at a store.  I can not ever have the exact same life as someone else.  This is who i am, these things i have are all mine and no one else can have what i have in my life.  No matter how much i purchase, i will always be who i am.... and that is OK!

Today i went through boxes that have been out in our garage for at least 5 years.  I had not gone through them since they were packed up and put outside.  I had no idea what was inside of them.  Most of it went straight into the trash.  Old magazines i kept for dumb reasons.  But i came across a box... i almost threw it straight into the trash because it looked like something dumb.  But i stopped myself... i took a second attempt to toss it... again, i paused and then sat it in front of me to look into in a minute.  When i looked inside, it was the stuff i had been looking for!  It was my baby cast from when i was born and they broke my foot.  It was my glass baby ducky with the toothbrush!  It was several other small things of mine from when i was a baby!  I must have sounded and looked like a complete idiot to Michael, but i almost cried i was so happy to find these things.  My past, my life, the only things from my childhood that i have left.  Things that actually made me who i am today and it made me remember the things about myself that i once had hold of.... it made me remember how far off course i have gotten from who i use to want to become.  

This move has done so many things, but most importantly... it has given me a whole new way of looking at everything i have in my life.  It has given me a greater understanding of just how much our society wastes on purchasing JUNK.  how much time and effort i myself have wasted on these things that are not needed to provide any means of happiness in life.  They are just time wasters, things to satisfy the need of NOW.  There is so much more to life than the things that fill up our homes.  The things that fill our hearts and minds are so much more important.